Q: I’m 41 and have been married and divorced, and want to find love again. I’ve always liked lots of people around me, and am a good, easy hostess. But I’ve gotten so used to “hanging out” that I no longer know how to make it clear that I’m not feeling as casual about my lover as he wants me to be. –Serious
A: Dear Serious, I tell you, hanging out is the scourge of the mortal dating world. No goddess worth her salt “hangs out” in the pantheon (unless the poor dear has been hung out to dry by some vicious and vengeful god). You must tell yourself that as delightful as you are to hang with, that privilege is offered ONLY to those who are committed to you, be they friends or lovers.
No ambivalent hangers-on, no vague and darling creatures you’ve hooked up with, no more “Hey, sure, come on over, no big deal” for now. Being lovers IS a big deal, particularly because you are telling me it is. I understand your desire to make a lover comfortable, and not to pressure him to commit–but, my mortal friend, he’s sleeping with you, and you have a right to decide that your body (and your bed, and your couch, and your refrigerator) is exclusive.
Here’s where the word “entitlement” is a GOOD word: “I do not use hanging out as a lure to ambivalent men. Just so you know, no one sleeps with me more than once and stays vague. It’s exclusive or we don’t hang out at all.” I venture to say that once you really claim that sentiment, you’ll be less afraid of saying it outright. Sure, you may lose your lover, if vagueness is what he wanted. But you’re losing someone who shouldn’t be offered another beer on your couch, let alone the delights of you in your bed.