A friend calls to say she’s dating a man who’s not separated, not divorced, but single. He hasn’t had a serious girlfriend in years, and by all external criteria, he’s an ambulatory, unattached, employed, attractive man—“a catch,” she was told by the man who introduced them– who happens to be available.
“Great!” I say.
“Not so great,” she says.
“What is it?”
“He’s sort of edgy all the time. He’s irritable with me. He tries to control it, but I feel as if I’m taking a test and not exactly passing it with flying colors. I kept thinking he’d soon relax; that he’d begin to trust me.
But he hadn’t done so. A year into the relationship with this “catch” had brought her little else but a new frown line, a new tendency toward insomnia and new weight loss. She didn’t even much like the man, but, well, the “catch” thing made her afraid to move on.
Of all the subtle things we don’t observe, denial is a biggie. Denial of how we feel with a man whom we’re supposed to feel good with, but don’t.
Denial serves to preserve the status quo. To keep us believing in what should be, but isn’t. It’s the mind’s way of making nice. Sometimes denial even makes us think that the odd interaction we’re having with someone is all our fault. (Think of battered wives, for instance.) My friend said “If I confront him with the fact that he’s edgy and that I feel as if I’m walking on eggshells, he’ll get edgier, angrier, and I’ll ruin the weekend.”
And so denial keeps her there, getting ever more sleepless and skinny.
Denial is a victim’s game. Accepting blame, not bringing up feelings, pretending everything is fine because is SHOULD be; because if you complain, you’ll lose this so-called “catch.”
Don’t do it. He's not emotionally available, only theoretically so. Being alone, as I’ve said before, is far better than being lonely inside a relationship. Find someone who is easy to be with. He’s out there.
TLG
Great point about denial, and it goes for both males and females.
Here’s a little secret: A man, no matter how successful and secure, does not want to be thought of as a “catch” any more than a woman wants to be thought of as a “nice piece of ass.” It’s disrespectful. And good satyrs and nymphs are always respectful… even after one cup of ambrosia too many.
It’s 2008. Men and women are equally responsible for their own lives. No, it wasn’t that way back in my day when gods were gods and goddesses belonged to gods. But what the hell – call it evolution. Personally, I blame Zeus for that. He couldn’t just leave well enough alone.
Friendship. Whatever romantic love ebbs and flows, whatever erotic energy lights up between you… there must be a true respectful friendship or the relationship is doomed. Without taking the time to build an honest open friendship, sooner or later, I’m sorry to say, the two of you will end up hating yourselves. And that will not make the Goddess or me smile and bless you and that is a pity because that is what we love to do more than anything – smile and bless you.
Gee, I hate to say it but my instinctive response to the God of Love’s comments is that someone so savvy and relationship smart is quite a “catch”.
Mea culpa and please no disrespect intended, your godliness.
I agree with the two of you and yet have felt the pressure to be coupled and have a date on Saturday night. It ultimately paralyzes you and you make concessions that leave you feeling lost and out of sorts with this fellow who is deemed so right for you.
When you do make the break to return to your former, intact and uncompromising self, out of nowhere or in your universe, someone turns up that understands and responds to you. The wonderous thing is, you recognize it without question.
So I, a mere mortal, advise all to follow the wisdom of the aforementioned and brave aloneness rather than bear the lonliness of feeing like the odd woman out.
I’ll go out on a heavenly limb here to guess that there is a good man who knows just how lucky he truly is to be with a wise insightful woman such as redlight. A smile and many blessings upon you both.
GOL