Today, a rainy Satruday, brought to mind another Love Myth. This one came to me because one of the people who responded to my blog called himself "Cautious Guy," and I got to thinking about his smart comment, his obvious (to me) Love God possibilities, and, well, the benefits of being cautious.
Yes, cautious. It so goes against the Love Myth that says, "If a man doesn't make his move quickly, with complete sureness and aggression, he probably doesn't really want to make a move at all."
Not true. In fact, many of the worst stories–the meanest dating stories of all–are of men who not only move in really quickly, but then dazzle you with their intensity, and with their insistence that you're The One for them! These men, who appear to be anything but cautious, understand something about women that we must understand ourselves: That we are attracted men who aren't cautious. We've grown up on the idea that the heroic lover is assertive and confident (which you, perhaps, as little girls growing up on this planet, were not).and that we often respond to men who come at us with certainty and "manly" aggression. So these fellows meet you and they push for involvement and you feel kind of thrilled at their attention and their insistence, and you put away that little piece of ambivalence ("Why is he pushing so hard? Doesn't he have a shred of ambivalence? Why does he think he knows me?" and give in ("Okay, maybe this chap knows something about our destiny that I can't see! Maybe he's right that we're right for each other!"). So then, ambivalence dissolved, you say, "Okay! Bring it on!" and you have the affair he promised would be so magnificent.
And then it happens: However magnificent it could have been it doesn't much matter. It's over. He's gone. Not ambivalent, eh? Right. So the guy with no caution didn't want you after all, what he wanted was to woo you successfully–and move on.
Which is to say, give the Cautious Guy a chance. Admire his restraint. Respect his ambivalence. You're just as cautious, just as ambivalent, as he. His desire to take things slowly is not unmanly. It's a good thing for women. Fools rush in…..
–The Love Goddess
Agreed! Caution is best…. D
But we should also not forget that love is also blind…….. or it can be.
Danny,
Yes, your two comments illustrate the conundrum: We think of ourselves as sentient, careful beings….and then BOOM, there he/she is, and our ambivalence–that gentle push/pull that generally operates–GONE!
TLG