As we all continue to hear the bloviators weigh in on Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin, many accomplished, strong women ask me why, in their own lives, so many men are so attracted to their own accomplishment and strength–count on it, in fact–but then seem also to fear it. They love their outspoken high-achieving women and then find themselves attempting to tear them down. Why? That's easy: Men gravitate to strong women for both Darwinian and psychological reasons, in the latter case intuitively sensing that, with strong partners, they have the best chance of being fully themselves and of getting their deepest needs met.
But along with the genuine gratitude and liberation men feel with strong women is something darker and more complicated in their psyches, something that can end up triggering their ambivalence about women's power. After all, every guy once had a dependent relationship with a dominant, all-powerful woman–his mother–and it's a relationship now deeply embedded at the core of his psyche. So, what gets activated with the choice of a strong woman is not only the familiarity and comfort of the original; not only the relief of having the burden of breadwinning shared, but an emotion more infantile, more aggressive and even hostile–something like regression, but with a vengeance. And strong women understand this on some level, but wonder how they can get out of the "mother" part of the equation. It 's easier when they're the girlfriends of these men. It's tougher once they marry.
It's tougher still if they're political wives. Then, the women's strength threatens all of us. It's as though we collectively adopt the psyches of the most vulnerable men in the universe, and. fearing for their manhood, eager to protect their vulnerability, become as ambivalent as they are about the strong women we are so proud of.
The Love Goddess
Thank you Goddess! Your conversational style and observations of all things love-struck, are wonderful. As to this recent post about strong women, my experience tells me that many mothers are not all-powerful or dominant, except in ways that they imprint us with their character, strong or weak. As kids we often see a weak mother tranform herself for the public or friends. Guys I have spoken to about this often think that “strong” women are really masking something else, so there is a sense, unfounded or not, that they maybe chasing a mouse in a tiger suit, making the men cautious at best and fearful at the very worst. How do we men, and women for that matter, avoid a bait and switch when it comes to falling for strength?
I absolutely agree. Have gotten myself in difficult positions before on this. This totally clarifies it for me! Thank you Goddess!
What about the strong woman who seeks out the more passive man because she feels that she will be “in control” of things that way? Then years later she finds that she has to do everything herself because she picked the passive man.
Talk about HOISTED by your own petard! Take it from one who knows.
I love your blog, TLG. It’s so real.