I was talking earlier about A Thousand Hours of dating–the "normal" number of hours put in by someone now roughly 25 or 26 who dates about twice a month, maybe skipping a few months here and there, and who has logged in about two-hundred evenings over the past nine or so years….and still, maybe, hasn’t found someone to love. So that’s just the number of hours and nights that person (let’s say it’s you) has spent…..it says nothing of what transpired on those nights, on those two-hundred evenings and one-thousand hours…that is, it says nothing about the experience of dating.
The stories we love–of Mr. Darcy and Mr. Willoughby and Mr. Wickham; of Emma, and Elizabeth Bennet and Marianne Dashwood, are stories of romance and ruination, and their wondrous cautionary tales and elegant language thrill us because COURTSHIP itself thrills us. Courtship: That long and lovely prelude to marriage, with its long and elegant social history and clear, practical rules! How we love to hear about tales of lovely people with morals and good conduct coming up against horrible people with no morals and finding the former win out! How their dates and stories and problems still haunt us! And boy, do they have little to do with what’s going on in YOUR life over the weekend. So where IS that Mr. Right, the one who is so clearly defined in the story we live by, the elegant man in our imaginations who comes along and wants his life and yours to be melded? Where IS that woman, the one who puts your sensitivities, your vulnerabilities, before her own? Where IS that sense and that sensibility? Modern rule books will tell you how to snag a date, or ten ways to drag a dude into marriage–but what can they possibly say about those thousand hours you spent trying in vain for real connection, for someone who gets you, gets IT–who isn’t clueless about the yearned-for love we all have at least a bit of yearning for?
Talk to me about your dates–the people who say they’re on the edge of commitment or who talk about love but who clearly aren’t IN love (with you). I want to hear about men AT love, men wanting some kind of contact (or they wouldn’t have made the date in the first place) but men not necessarily desiring the same kind of attachment the woman they’ve made the date with are looking for. Talk to me about women who terrify men with their sexual appetites and experience and power and ambition. These men and women may come from good families or rocky ones. They may have noble intentions or no intentions at all. They may be rich or poor, healthy or damaged, kind or cruel, loving or hateful, florthcoming or withholding or withdrawn or over-the-top successful and narcissistic to boot. They may be passive, passive aggressive, or just plain aggressive. They may be monogamous or pathologically promiscuous. They may prefer the other sex. And you have no way ascertaining any of the above until you go out with him or her. E-mails may convey his or her id, phone calls his or her verbal talent and manners, but not until you date that person will you know anything about his or her true self. We’re going to have to learn how to speedread other people. Read True Selves quickly. So you can either move into courtship, real courtship, the one with the ending that isn’t hooking up or hanging out but being together in a connected relationship–or else move on. Tell me about your dating experience. Maybe this is the place where manners, ethics and dignity can be returned to dating!
–The Love Goddess
I love this article. Do you mind if I keep asking more advice?
The Love Goddess is HERE to hear your questions and give advice! Ask away…..
–The Love Goddess
Dear Goddess, I just read an interview with the well-known, and highly regarded writer, Maggie Scarff, who has a book coming out on the single trait that all (or most)happily married couples have in common. Not great sex or being best friends: the happiest couples make it a habit of telling each other, “I love you” and other endearments” on a daily basis. Do you agree with Scharff about this? Do you think a wife (or husband) can revive a flagging relationship with some kind words? Julia W, from Cambridge, MA.
I’m not sure how flagging your relationship is, Julia, but I do know that Maggie Scarf’s findings jibe with my own. Loving words liberally offered have a HUGE impact on a relationship–far greater than we might imagine (the word “endearment” sounds so trivial, doesn’t it?)and the simplest kind sentences have a profound impact. Think of the doors that open when you hear, “Sweetie, we need to decide about this,” and not, “So, have you gotten around to this yet?” or, worse, “Are we ever going to get around to this?” We’re far more tender, far more vulnerable, than we like to think, and find ourselves reeling from snideness, dismissiveness and sarcasm, particularly when the tone is ongoing and we’re already having having trouble getting along. My own lover–whom I’ve been with for centuries–calls me “Darling” much of the time he addresses me, and it has the most amazing, relaxing effect; as though whatever else we might be going through is less important than the abiding, underlying affection. As though the negative things are of the moment–the “darling” will last.
It’s hard, in a relationship that is devoid of endearments, to suddenly begin speaking them, but it can’t hurt. Disarming a chilly, thoughtless man with some warmth and loving words–and keeping it up–can be a satisfying game (unless you’re rebuffed), and can make you feel as if you’re tapping into old feelings you’re like to have again. As you know, when one partner makes a change, often the other will, too. Good luck!
–TLG