Alta, yes; but somehow I’ve never associated Alta with the beehive state. Rather, its iconic status always seemed to stand alone, stately but stateless; the purists’s place, as Wildcat is the daredevil’s place or St. Anton, the ritzy one.

I can only attribute my ignorance to the kind of deprivation that leads to tunnel vision—I grew up in the east, went to school in the west. The questions were always, “Which do you like better, Vermont or Colorado?” “Stowe or Aspen?” Silly me: I just found a better question: How about Deer Valley, Canyons, Park City and Snowbasin—all of them, each one more wonderful than the next, all on the front of the Wasatch range (Alta, Snowbird and Solitude are on the back) and all close by–next week?

You fly into Salt Lake City and are on the slopes of any of the above in less than an hour—and that’s with no connecting plane deterred by cranky weather to frustrate you. I did the trip last month, and took advantage of Ski Utah’s celebration of the 10th Anniversary of the Winter Olympics by going down on the bobsled—on the same track that Olympians go down. That’s me in the picture in fact, second from the front.

For anyone else craving this thrill ride, there’s still time. Public bobsled rides on ice are available through March 17th. You can make your bobsled reservations online at www.UtahOlympicLegacy.com, or by calling 435-658-4206. Bobsled sessions sell out fast, so reserve asap. Once the ice melts, Park City opens summer bobsled rides. The summer rides, on wheels on a cement track, begin the second week of June through Labor Day.

If you can’t make it yourself, here’s the story of my own bobsledding adventure, with a link to full article on Everett Potter’s Travel Report website. Enjoy!

Embedded in a Bobsled

By Dalma Heyn

On a chairlift at Park City a few weeks ago I sat between two young vacationing North Carolina businessmen about to take their first ski run of the day. It was a perfect day: Lots of snow; sunny but not too. They were talking about a bobsled ride that afternoon. They and eight other guys from their firm had laid down $200 apiece (as you can, too) for the privilege of hurtling down the same ice track the Olympic bobsled teams did in 2002. (Park City’s track, in fact, is the only one in the world that lets passengers start at the same point as the Olympic athletes do.)

“I did it last evening,” I volunteered softly.

“Omigod,” one of the men said through his blue bandana-covered face: “Was it amazing?”

“Yes. It was.”

“Amazing, like a superfast rollercoaster?”

“No, not like a rollercoaster.” The men were staring at me now, awaiting specific description of what, if not like the fastest rollercoaster in Christendom, it was like.

“Amazing, as in…” I started, and then took leave of my vocabulary, “as in….” I grabbed the only word I could find “…as in intense. More than intense, really. Intensely intense. Intensively intense.”

Read the full article at Everett Potter’s Travel Report.

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It works like this: The man comes on to the woman, crazy about her looks, her confidence, her high achievement, and yes, her salary. She’s busy–too busy to pay too much attention to him. So he amps up the come-on–sends her sushi lunches at her desk; texts adorable messages while she’s working through her yellowtail. Tells her he’s never met anyone like her; that finally, FINALLY, here’s the woman he can actually relate to, since she’s so….fabulous and cool and successful.

So she says okay. Saturday night. And it’s great–he does appreciate her job, her ambition, her focus. Listens to her.  Tells her she’s the one. They have sex. They date more. They become a couple.

And then it starts. Subtle shifts in the appreciation of her work ethic (as in, “Do you have to put in that much work? God, you’re a workhorse.”) Subtle changes in how he views her ambition (as in, “Do you think about anything other than success?”) Subtle changes in bed (“Maybe we can have sex again when you actually have some time for me.”)  Like that. Suddenly, the man who knew the deal doesn’t like the deal anymore. The man who had such respect for your job thinks you’re too focused on it. He pulls away. Suggests that “real” women don’t work so hard. “Real” women–women, that is, he suggests he’d rather be with–like to cook a lot for their man. They focus a lot on their man. They revolve around their man. You, you mean thing, don’t understand what a man needs.

Dearest earth girls, this is just the beginning. If a man loved you at first knowing about all that you’re doing and all that you’re trying to achieve–and then suddenly holds you hostage to a view of women that doesn’t include that vision of yours, you’re in trouble. It means he was attracted to you because you’re vital, smart, successful, sexy–who WOULDN’T be?–but really has a whole other vision. An old one. A man-centric one. And you are not fitting that vision. You keep wondering, Why did he choose someone whose dreams he then undercuts? Why doesn’t he choose someone he approves of?

Because he’s not attracted to the kind of woman he thinks he is. He’s attracted to 21st century women. Unfortunately, he’s s  20th-century guy with an outmoded template stuck in his head.

All you can do is gauge your own fatigue level; gauge whether you’re increasingly in trouble. Maybe he’ll catch up to his modern girl and not try to make her fit an old-fashioned mold. And if he can’t?  If you’re getting more exhausted dealing with him? If he’s getting grumpier as your achievements pile up? If sex has gone out the window and he says it’s all your fault? Well, dear earth girl, here’s your choice: Return to the past and give up your dreams so you can better fit an old template, or stay on course–and find someone who isn’t just attracted to your vitality….but embraces and supports it.

The post Why Do Men Bother Choosing Women They Can’t Love? appeared first on Dalma Heyn.

So: the simple jumpstart for Jane and maybe for you, too:

A visit to the dentist for teeth-whitening.  In-office takes two hours. Take-home whitening takes two weeks. Either is great.

Getting more water simply by adding one big glass in the morning before you even begin to think. Just go get it when you wake up, or keep it by your bedside and get it down.  Sneak in another big glass midday.

Taking fish oils and other oils, like olive oil, which do good things for your heart, your skin, your entire system. Lubrication is one of the names of this game.

More magnesium. It’s the ingredient that makes oysters and pumpkin seeds considered aphrodisiacs. Many nutritionists believe magnesium (which may be in your calcium tablets already) is as important as calcium for your bones.)  Magnesium also offsets the constipation some women experience when they take the recommended dose of calcium; when they’re not paying attention to their diets; when they’re not drinking enough water.

Only you know best by now how your body reacts to what you eat, when you eat, how much you eat. So, Dater’s Choice as to what to cut back on and what exercise to add. (Jane liked to walk and she craved meat, so she added more lean meats and eggs to her diet—she has no cholesterol issues—and dropped the frequent pizzas she’d been eating during the last horrific three months.)

Decide what disturbs you most when you look in the mirror and grapple with it. Rejuvenation comes in many shapes and sizes. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgery, while surgical procedures are down a whopping 70 percent in this economy, filler services—by which they mean injectables, peels, and laser procedures—are up an even more whopping 300 percent.  That’s because new fillers are better, techniques more sophisticated and practioners  more experienced. I took my Connecticut client to Lisa Topham, R.N. P.C. in Norwalk, Connecticut, because Lisa’s been doing what she does for 23 years, and because I knew from other women that she is gifted, low-key in her approach, and that she refuses to do procedures she feels are either wrong for the client or just wrong in her own estimation.

She gave Jane a light chemical peel; removed the furrowed brow with three painless injections of Botox, and delicately lifted the “puppet” lines from her nose to her mouth with what’s now called the “liquid face lift.” This is the newest method of adding needed volume to faces and lessening (in this case) the depth of the nasolabial lines  by using  filler—hyaluronic acid, aka Restylane, Perlane and Juvederm—not just in the lines (the old way) but above them.  It’s a nonsurgical lift, a kind of “revolumizing” she’s after (a volume that New York dermatologist Patricia Wexler says starts waning in the 40s). Lisa says that with the new, semi-permanent fillers—her favorite being Restylane but also Sculptra, a poly-L-lactic-acid filler which requires three separate treatments —“we can give back more of the face’s original volume by restoring some of the contours it once had.” It’s a kind of buttressing, over which your own tissue then can drape naturally. The downtime depends on how many places the filler is used but is minimal—a couple of days of using heavy makeup on any places that might bruise. And the Restylane, Lisa said, would last at least eighteen months (Sculptra, up to four years).

Don’t just moisturize, moisturize, moisturize! Many doctors and estheticians would have given my client rich moisturizers. But Topham wanted her to continue exfoliating her skin, and so gave her products ( she likes Obagi’s)  that contain Retin A and hydroquinone. “If you’re not removing dead skin first, slathering on moisturizer—no matter how good it is– “is like putting glue on dead skin.”  Hence Jane’s  mysterious breakouts and blotchiness.

Jane was told she would peel for awhile with the new program, but that she could control how fast the action was, and further, that in three weeks she’d have fresher, glowier skin.

In  three weeks, Jane was up and running, her skin moist and clear, her body four pounds lighter (without dieting) and her sense of herself altered enough that she found herself smiling brightly (and whitely) to the world. She had spent roughly $2,000—not a breeze for her, but less than the weekend spa visit she’d been contemplating before we spoke.

I know that self-esteem isn’t found in a needle. But I also know how many women feel lost when it comes to how to look less exhausted. And in a world where a glowing woman telegraphs triumph rather than defeat, a little modern wizardry can sometimes be just what the Goddess ordered.

Darling earth girls, I will continue to give my honest thoughts on ways to jumpstart your self-love life as well as your love life, and hope you’ll let me know your desires and your thoughts.

The post "I'm Getting Divorced and I Look Exhausted…Help!" appeared first on Dalma Heyn.

A. Dear Disappointed Earth Girl: I don’t know why he can’t remember; and I’m sorry.  But the more practical question is, how do you get what you need without feeling as if you’re his mother reminding him to write a Thank-You note?

You have three choices. One is to write it on his calendar. Not only on the actual date, but a week before. “Don’t forget! One week from tomorrow! Eight years and counting!”  The trouble with this one is that if he doesn’t remember now, you’ve got a different problem on your hands than mere forgetfulness.

Another option is to arrange precisely what you’d like to do on your anniversary and announce it to him a week before. “Darling, just so you know, we’re going fishing on our anniversary. which is next Saturday.”  If he doesn’t like the idea, ask him what he’d prefer to do. And then do it. The down side of this one is that, yes, you’re doing the thinking for him. But at least you get him out there with you on the big day.

The third option is to drop every expectation of any kind and go away for the day with friends.  But if you opt for this one, you can’t be angry about it;  it’s the choice you make when you’re sick of every other option; you don’t want to be sulky; and you want to have fun with SOMEONE on your anniversary. You might find that you can live with the fact that your anniversary should be recognized but, for whatever reasons, will not be….and deal with it the way you deal with lots of shoulds….you just move on. Why be left holding the bag year after year?  Buy a couple of bottles of champagne, take a good friend on a picnic, and celebrate your anniversary with her. I know it sounds somewhat goofy–but it’s a lot better than playing either Mother to a guy who won’t grow up, or Mother Superior to a guy who doesn’t believe.

The post “He Doesn’t Remember Our Anniversary!” appeared first on Dalma Heyn.

A. Dear Weirded Out: You know by analyzing this discomfort. Not in your head, but in your heart and in your body. My rule of thumb: If a man makes you feel A. Exhausted ;  B. Like you’re walking on eggshells or C. As if something is wrong with you that only feels wrong when you’re together…….well, darling earth child, methinks he’s wrong for you. The point of a relationship is not to have to work through the worst feelings in the world, but to start at a pretty high level of compatibility. You should feel like yourself. You should feel calm but energized. And you should never, ever, feel anxious or afraid. In a way, and I’m sorry to say it, I’m afraid your very question has the answer built into it…..

The post “How Do I Know He’s Wrong for Me?” appeared first on Dalma Heyn.

A. Dear Hungry: Well what’s up is clearly not your fella. I don’t know the answer to why he is so reticent, but my first question would be, did something change for you over these last three months of being together. Did you move in together? Did you make a commitment to one another in the last few weeks that you hadn’t before?     I ask this because sometimes a man (or woman) who loved sex when they were dating start to feel, well, too confined once they’re sexually exclusive.  If you can trace his reluctance to a change in your dynamic, then that’s the place to begin. Ask him if he feels too constrained; too….married. And if he does, then you have to go back to the arrangement you had if you want freely given sex. But if that turns out to be the case, please, dear Earth Girl, remember it. Do not force more closeness. In fact, take the time to think carefully about this relationship. If he feels stifled now, and you’ve only just begun, imagine how he’ll feel three YEARS from now. Or six. Or ten. You do not want to be the Woman Who Gets Pushed Away, I promise you.  There is nothing worse.

And as for his calling you “selfish” for wanting sex, I would politely remind him that sex is a mutual activity, and that pleasure is, too; your wanting more of him, or of his loving, is only “selfish” if he’s perceiving himself as somehow excised from the equation. And if that’s the case, I’d be very, very careful. Again, what happens in five years when you want some love? Will you be strong enough then to tell him you are indeed selfish….so selfish that you want out?

The post Is Wanting Sex with My Lover “Selfish”? appeared first on Dalma Heyn.

And, as many of us really want to eat as Julia wanted us to, but also want to  keeping our stomachs in check (the outside part; the part our lovers see), I’ve done a Love Goddess version of Julia’s Potage Parmentier—the very recipe that Julie Powell says was so wonderful “that I deluded myself into thinking I could be more than I was, do more than I’d done.” She and her husband ate three portions each the first time she made it.  You and your lover will, too…

It’s ridiculously easy. I’ve omitted the heavy cream and substituted kefir, which believe it or not adds a nice tang (you could use yogurt and thin it to the consistency of cream with a little milk or water)—and otherwise it’s just as Julia created it and Julie adapted it.  This claims to serve 8, but I’d say six. And really, don’t worry about the kefir being too goony an idea—the potatoes with leeks are already incredibly rich. Cream is heaven, but I promise you’ll be happy.

And I promise not to include a lot of Julia’s recipes from now on.

Still, just try POTAGE PARMENTIER, adapted by Julie Powell from Mastering the Art of French Cooking by Julia Child and slimmed down a tad by yours truly, The Love Goddess.

It’s served hot, but I also ate it cold. It was wonderful.

• 1 pound potatoes, peeled an diced
• 1 pound leeks (or onions), diced
• 3-4 tablespoons unsalted butter
• Salt and pepper
• 4-6 tablespoons heavy cream (as I said, I substituted plain kefir here)
• 2-4 tablesppoons minced chives and parsley
• Sliced radishes for garnish

1. Simmer potatoes and leeks in salted water for 40-50 minutes, until soft.
2. Puree the vegetables with an immersion blender. Add the butter in bits; then add salt and pepper to taste. Stir in cream (or kefir).
3. Pour into soup bowls and sprinkle on chives, parsley, and radishes.

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A. Dear Miserable: Spotting men unfit for human consumption from afar by just looking at them? No. They do not, unfortunately, wear signs saying “I’m a loser and a creep.”  They can look really good. They can sound really good. They often, in fact, look and sound better than terrific guys, because they’ve made incredible adjustments to the fact that they ARE losers and creeps (and they do know it; they’ve been told by untold numbers of women). They make an extra effort to look good, sound good, come on to you politely, seem interested, promise a good time, etc.–all the things they hope will assure your going out with them. But yes, dear Miserable, there are two sure way to tell which men are going to continue your misery.

You go by how you feel when you’re with him. Do you feel good….or anxious? Do you have the sense that you’re really connecting….or that you really want to but aren’t?  Does he always show up late, leaving you a little miffed? Does he always expect you to cook? Do you feel a little on edge, or like a drag, or wishing you (or he) were in a better mood?

And you go by how you feel between dates. Does he check in? Does it feel as if the relationship is getting traction….or do you always have the sense that you’re starting from square one? Does he disappear? Is his life a secret? Does he seem to want what you want in this relationship–or do you have the sense that you’re always trying either to make him come closer–or to get him away?  Does he seem to be having trouble being involved with you….as if it’s not something that he truly enjoys; not something he can keep up without being given instructions? What is he peddling (“I really want marriage and a family–with a woman like you”) and what does he seem able to deliver (“I think I’m going to spend next year in Alaska”). Has he been in a long-term relationship? Has he lived with anybody?

The hardest thing to learn is to trust your gut about someone. To go by what he DOES not what he says.  To resist the compelling urge to make him become someone you want him to be when the signs point to the fact that he never was and never will be.  The signs are there. But they’re not visible on his person; they’re telegraphed subtly, and can only be felt by you–by your own senses, your own heart.

The post Is he a Lover or a Loser? appeared first on Dalma Heyn.

I guess it gives everyone a chance, now, either to feel sorry for Ruth or to say, “She had it coming.” And others to say, too bad she can’t kick him out.  Too bad he’s already toast.

The Madoffs aside, it made me think: I  know few people who would say that they would forgive their husbands, or their wives, for being unfaithful.  Most say they’d get a gun.  Or kick the guy out. Goddess knows enough people out there were outraged that Hillary didn’t leave Bill, that the Spitzers didn’t break up, or the Sanfords. What do we know about Hillary and Bill Clinton, though, and how dare anyone suggest she either stay or leave him because of his affair(s)? What do we know about the Sanfords, or the Spitzers–about their sex lives, their arrangements, their promises to each other ? 

All we know is what we like to imagine: That we, sainted souls, would never, ever do such a thing as have an affair. That if we did, it would signal that it was time to leave this bad marriage. Or if he did, we’d change the locks.

Don’t be silly.   In the course of a long marriage, can I really advise a woman to leave her home, her life,  if her husband has an affair? Would I ever advise a man to leave his wife if she succumbed to a temptation on a business trip? Tell him to kick her  out?  Not unless I knew, in painstaking detail, from the people involved, a great many things about themselves and their marriages.

Yes, I’ve written books on the subject, and the more I know about the subject, the more I realize that no one knows how he or she will act over the course of a lifetime. (And don’t tell me religious people know how they’ll act: Infidelity statistics are as high among the very religious as among atheists.)  Nor do we know anything about another couple’s marriage–the needs they have, the deals they make, the reasons for their being together and staying together. Often the couple itself knows little about its own marriage until the affair  occurs, and all the denied emotions, all the feelings that have been shoved under the rug, show their ugly dust-bunny faces.  That’s when the quality of the relationship reveals itself, for better or worse. That’s when people’s mistakes show up in their true context–a context we outsider imagine, but  know nothing about.

So, yeah, love affairs are scandalous and crazy and incendiary and often agonizing–and give the rest of us a place to project all our beliefs and fantasies.  But let’s give our righteous indignation another place to land besides there in other people’s beds. If you haven’t been there yourself, in that very bed, you have no idea what “should” be done by those who share it.  

The post Heavenly Musings about Infidelity appeared first on Dalma Heyn.

Well you know my answer to this: How he behaves is your answer.  But for the impatient among you, there’s one question I’ve found to be revealing: “How did your family express affection?” 

Many possible answers will emerge. A man might say, “Well, mom was incredibly demonstrative–always touching and hugging us, but Dad, well, he was the chilly type.”  That’s telling you something about the kind of woman this man might gravitate toward (yes, amateur psychology here, but hey, that’s what we’re talking about, right?) While, were he to say, “I never saw them express a single word or gesture of love,” you might consider what kind of words or gestures this man is capable of showing you, and whether that will work for you.  The answers won’t guarantee anything (there are many warm affectionate people who come from chilly, withholding parents; but I’ve met few chilly, withholding people who come from warm, affectionate parents!)

Then, of course, you ask the follow up question: “How do you think that affected you?” Or, “How closely do you think your style of expressing affection is to your family’s?”  All you’re trying to ascertain is whether this new man’s style of engagement, should you get closer, is going to jibe with what you need, and with what your own style (and your family’s!) is.

The point here is to see, as quickly as possible, whether your styles of relating jibe, before you find yourself wondering, “How did I get involved with a man who never says he loves me?’ or “I need someone who is affectionate….and he’s just not.”  Or the reverse: “He always wants to hug and kiss, and I’m just not that way.”

Hugs and kisses,

The post Ask Your New Lover This One Question about Love appeared first on Dalma Heyn.