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It works like this: The man comes on to the woman, crazy about her looks, her confidence, her high achievement, and yes, her salary. She’s busy–too busy to pay too much attention to him. So he amps up the come-on–sends her sushi lunches at her desk; texts adorable messages while she’s working through her yellowtail. Tells her he’s never met anyone like her; that finally, FINALLY, here’s the woman he can actually relate to, since she’s so….fabulous and cool and successful.

So she says okay. Saturday night. And it’s great–he does appreciate her job, her ambition, her focus. Listens to her.  Tells her she’s the one. They have sex. They date more. They become a couple.

And then it starts. Subtle shifts in the appreciation of her work ethic (as in, “Do you have to put in that much work? God, you’re a workhorse.”) Subtle changes in how he views her ambition (as in, “Do you think about anything other than success?”) Subtle changes in bed (“Maybe we can have sex again when you actually have some time for me.”)  Like that. Suddenly, the man who knew the deal doesn’t like the deal anymore. The man who had such respect for your job thinks you’re too focused on it. He pulls away. Suggests that “real” women don’t work so hard. “Real” women–women, that is, he suggests he’d rather be with–like to cook a lot for their man. They focus a lot on their man. They revolve around their man. You, you mean thing, don’t understand what a man needs.

Dearest earth girls, this is just the beginning. If a man loved you at first knowing about all that you’re doing and all that you’re trying to achieve–and then suddenly holds you hostage to a view of women that doesn’t include that vision of yours, you’re in trouble. It means he was attracted to you because you’re vital, smart, successful, sexy–who WOULDN’T be?–but really has a whole other vision. An old one. A man-centric one. And you are not fitting that vision. You keep wondering, Why did he choose someone whose dreams he then undercuts? Why doesn’t he choose someone he approves of?

Because he’s not attracted to the kind of woman he thinks he is. He’s attracted to 21st century women. Unfortunately, he’s s  20th-century guy with an outmoded template stuck in his head.

All you can do is gauge your own fatigue level; gauge whether you’re increasingly in trouble. Maybe he’ll catch up to his modern girl and not try to make her fit an old-fashioned mold. And if he can’t?  If you’re getting more exhausted dealing with him? If he’s getting grumpier as your achievements pile up? If sex has gone out the window and he says it’s all your fault? Well, dear earth girl, here’s your choice: Return to the past and give up your dreams so you can better fit an old template, or stay on course–and find someone who isn’t just attracted to your vitality….but embraces and supports it.

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So: the simple jumpstart for Jane and maybe for you, too:

A visit to the dentist for teeth-whitening.  In-office takes two hours. Take-home whitening takes two weeks. Either is great.

Getting more water simply by adding one big glass in the morning before you even begin to think. Just go get it when you wake up, or keep it by your bedside and get it down.  Sneak in another big glass midday.

Taking fish oils and other oils, like olive oil, which do good things for your heart, your skin, your entire system. Lubrication is one of the names of this game.

More magnesium. It’s the ingredient that makes oysters and pumpkin seeds considered aphrodisiacs. Many nutritionists believe magnesium (which may be in your calcium tablets already) is as important as calcium for your bones.)  Magnesium also offsets the constipation some women experience when they take the recommended dose of calcium; when they’re not paying attention to their diets; when they’re not drinking enough water.

Only you know best by now how your body reacts to what you eat, when you eat, how much you eat. So, Dater’s Choice as to what to cut back on and what exercise to add. (Jane liked to walk and she craved meat, so she added more lean meats and eggs to her diet—she has no cholesterol issues—and dropped the frequent pizzas she’d been eating during the last horrific three months.)

Decide what disturbs you most when you look in the mirror and grapple with it. Rejuvenation comes in many shapes and sizes. According to the American Society of Plastic Surgery, while surgical procedures are down a whopping 70 percent in this economy, filler services—by which they mean injectables, peels, and laser procedures—are up an even more whopping 300 percent.  That’s because new fillers are better, techniques more sophisticated and practioners  more experienced. I took my Connecticut client to Lisa Topham, R.N. P.C. in Norwalk, Connecticut, because Lisa’s been doing what she does for 23 years, and because I knew from other women that she is gifted, low-key in her approach, and that she refuses to do procedures she feels are either wrong for the client or just wrong in her own estimation.

She gave Jane a light chemical peel; removed the furrowed brow with three painless injections of Botox, and delicately lifted the “puppet” lines from her nose to her mouth with what’s now called the “liquid face lift.” This is the newest method of adding needed volume to faces and lessening (in this case) the depth of the nasolabial lines  by using  filler—hyaluronic acid, aka Restylane, Perlane and Juvederm—not just in the lines (the old way) but above them.  It’s a nonsurgical lift, a kind of “revolumizing” she’s after (a volume that New York dermatologist Patricia Wexler says starts waning in the 40s). Lisa says that with the new, semi-permanent fillers—her favorite being Restylane but also Sculptra, a poly-L-lactic-acid filler which requires three separate treatments —“we can give back more of the face’s original volume by restoring some of the contours it once had.” It’s a kind of buttressing, over which your own tissue then can drape naturally. The downtime depends on how many places the filler is used but is minimal—a couple of days of using heavy makeup on any places that might bruise. And the Restylane, Lisa said, would last at least eighteen months (Sculptra, up to four years).

Don’t just moisturize, moisturize, moisturize! Many doctors and estheticians would have given my client rich moisturizers. But Topham wanted her to continue exfoliating her skin, and so gave her products ( she likes Obagi’s)  that contain Retin A and hydroquinone. “If you’re not removing dead skin first, slathering on moisturizer—no matter how good it is– “is like putting glue on dead skin.”  Hence Jane’s  mysterious breakouts and blotchiness.

Jane was told she would peel for awhile with the new program, but that she could control how fast the action was, and further, that in three weeks she’d have fresher, glowier skin.

In  three weeks, Jane was up and running, her skin moist and clear, her body four pounds lighter (without dieting) and her sense of herself altered enough that she found herself smiling brightly (and whitely) to the world. She had spent roughly $2,000—not a breeze for her, but less than the weekend spa visit she’d been contemplating before we spoke.

I know that self-esteem isn’t found in a needle. But I also know how many women feel lost when it comes to how to look less exhausted. And in a world where a glowing woman telegraphs triumph rather than defeat, a little modern wizardry can sometimes be just what the Goddess ordered.

Darling earth girls, I will continue to give my honest thoughts on ways to jumpstart your self-love life as well as your love life, and hope you’ll let me know your desires and your thoughts.

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A. Dear Disappointed Earth Girl: I don’t know why he can’t remember; and I’m sorry.  But the more practical question is, how do you get what you need without feeling as if you’re his mother reminding him to write a Thank-You note?

You have three choices. One is to write it on his calendar. Not only on the actual date, but a week before. “Don’t forget! One week from tomorrow! Eight years and counting!”  The trouble with this one is that if he doesn’t remember now, you’ve got a different problem on your hands than mere forgetfulness.

Another option is to arrange precisely what you’d like to do on your anniversary and announce it to him a week before. “Darling, just so you know, we’re going fishing on our anniversary. which is next Saturday.”  If he doesn’t like the idea, ask him what he’d prefer to do. And then do it. The down side of this one is that, yes, you’re doing the thinking for him. But at least you get him out there with you on the big day.

The third option is to drop every expectation of any kind and go away for the day with friends.  But if you opt for this one, you can’t be angry about it;  it’s the choice you make when you’re sick of every other option; you don’t want to be sulky; and you want to have fun with SOMEONE on your anniversary. You might find that you can live with the fact that your anniversary should be recognized but, for whatever reasons, will not be….and deal with it the way you deal with lots of shoulds….you just move on. Why be left holding the bag year after year?  Buy a couple of bottles of champagne, take a good friend on a picnic, and celebrate your anniversary with her. I know it sounds somewhat goofy–but it’s a lot better than playing either Mother to a guy who won’t grow up, or Mother Superior to a guy who doesn’t believe.

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A. Dear Weirded Out: You know by analyzing this discomfort. Not in your head, but in your heart and in your body. My rule of thumb: If a man makes you feel A. Exhausted ;  B. Like you’re walking on eggshells or C. As if something is wrong with you that only feels wrong when you’re together…….well, darling earth child, methinks he’s wrong for you. The point of a relationship is not to have to work through the worst feelings in the world, but to start at a pretty high level of compatibility. You should feel like yourself. You should feel calm but energized. And you should never, ever, feel anxious or afraid. In a way, and I’m sorry to say it, I’m afraid your very question has the answer built into it…..

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A. Dear Hungry: Well what’s up is clearly not your fella. I don’t know the answer to why he is so reticent, but my first question would be, did something change for you over these last three months of being together. Did you move in together? Did you make a commitment to one another in the last few weeks that you hadn’t before?     I ask this because sometimes a man (or woman) who loved sex when they were dating start to feel, well, too confined once they’re sexually exclusive.  If you can trace his reluctance to a change in your dynamic, then that’s the place to begin. Ask him if he feels too constrained; too….married. And if he does, then you have to go back to the arrangement you had if you want freely given sex. But if that turns out to be the case, please, dear Earth Girl, remember it. Do not force more closeness. In fact, take the time to think carefully about this relationship. If he feels stifled now, and you’ve only just begun, imagine how he’ll feel three YEARS from now. Or six. Or ten. You do not want to be the Woman Who Gets Pushed Away, I promise you.  There is nothing worse.

And as for his calling you “selfish” for wanting sex, I would politely remind him that sex is a mutual activity, and that pleasure is, too; your wanting more of him, or of his loving, is only “selfish” if he’s perceiving himself as somehow excised from the equation. And if that’s the case, I’d be very, very careful. Again, what happens in five years when you want some love? Will you be strong enough then to tell him you are indeed selfish….so selfish that you want out?

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