Q.:. Dear Goddess: I keep going out with men who look great, have good jobs, etc., but who are really, really strange once they’re in a relationship. I KNOW this is the men I’m choosing and not all men….but is there a way of spotting these guys? –Miserable
A. Dear Miserable: Spotting men unfit for human consumption from afar by just looking at them? No. They do not, unfortunately, wear signs saying “I’m a loser and a creep.” They can look really good. They can sound really good. They often, in fact, look and sound better than terrific guys, because they’ve made incredible adjustments to the fact that they ARE losers and creeps (and they do know it; they’ve been told by untold numbers of women). They make an extra effort to look good, sound good, come on to you politely, seem interested, promise a good time, etc.–all the things they hope will assure your going out with them. But yes, dear Miserable, there are two sure way to tell which men are going to continue your misery.
You go by how you feel when you’re with him. Do you feel good….or anxious? Do you have the sense that you’re really connecting….or that you really want to but aren’t? Does he always show up late, leaving you a little miffed? Does he always expect you to cook? Do you feel a little on edge, or like a drag, or wishing you (or he) were in a better mood?
And you go by how you feel between dates. Does he check in? Does it feel as if the relationship is getting traction….or do you always have the sense that you’re starting from square one? Does he disappear? Is his life a secret? Does he seem to want what you want in this relationship–or do you have the sense that you’re always trying either to make him come closer–or to get him away? Does he seem to be having trouble being involved with you….as if it’s not something that he truly enjoys; not something he can keep up without being given instructions? What is he peddling (“I really want marriage and a family–with a woman like you”) and what does he seem able to deliver (“I think I’m going to spend next year in Alaska”). Has he been in a long-term relationship? Has he lived with anybody?
The hardest thing to learn is to trust your gut about someone. To go by what he DOES not what he says. To resist the compelling urge to make him become someone you want him to be when the signs point to the fact that he never was and never will be. The signs are there. But they’re not visible on his person; they’re telegraphed subtly, and can only be felt by you–by your own senses, your own heart.
