Women often ask me how to assess a new lover–what questions to ask whose answers will reveal important information about this man.
Well you know my answer to this: How he behaves is your answer. But for the impatient among you, there’s one question I’ve found to be revealing: “How did your family express affection?”
Many possible answers will emerge. A man might say, “Well, mom was incredibly demonstrative–always touching and hugging us, but Dad, well, he was the chilly type.” That’s telling you something about the kind of woman this man might gravitate toward (yes, amateur psychology here, but hey, that’s what we’re talking about, right?) While, were he to say, “I never saw them express a single word or gesture of love,” you might consider what kind of words or gestures this man is capable of showing you, and whether that will work for you. The answers won’t guarantee anything (there are many warm affectionate people who come from chilly, withholding parents; but I’ve met few chilly, withholding people who come from warm, affectionate parents!)
Then, of course, you ask the follow up question: “How do you think that affected you?” Or, “How closely do you think your style of expressing affection is to your family’s?” All you’re trying to ascertain is whether this new man’s style of engagement, should you get closer, is going to jibe with what you need, and with what your own style (and your family’s!) is.
The point here is to see, as quickly as possible, whether your styles of relating jibe, before you find yourself wondering, “How did I get involved with a man who never says he loves me?’ or “I need someone who is affectionate….and he’s just not.” Or the reverse: “He always wants to hug and kiss, and I’m just not that way.”
Hugs and kisses,
