What has happened down there on your planet–doesn’t anybody know how to apologize for wrongs they’ve done? Here’s Bernard Madoff, who’s ruined peoples lives; and government officials who remain willfully, stubbornly unaccountable for their unthinkable, ruinous actions–refusing to offer even the smallest statement of regret, let alone to acknowledge wrongdoing.
I know families and friends who have hurt each other and don’t speak for 20 years.
Not apologizing may well be dumbest, stubbornest, stupidest insult to love in the world.
I don’t mean the new form of “apology”–”If I hurt anyone, I regret it”–a sentence structure that suggests only that the hurt party is oversensitive, and that hurting party is being grudgingly magnanimous: “Jeez, you’re sure touchy, aren’t you? Who knew?”
No, my loved ones, no. For the sake of relationships big and small, whoever you are, you MUST acknowledge wrongdoing. In the name of love.
So: An apology has at least two components: an acknowledgment of what you did (state it: “I’m sorry I was so harsh yesterday”), and an explanation of why YOU KNOW it was offensive (“I know how it feels to be ridiculed like that.”) A better apology–one that will be accepted and appreciated (and gratefully remembered) adds your intention not to do it again. “I was horrible. I really have to stop that.”
But watch how one woman ruined it with her lover: “I was horrible,” she said, “but you were talking so much…” Apology sabotaged. She rekindled the original slight, adding to it, as if she just couldn’t help her behavior; she was rescuing him from being a deadly bore.) You never bring in the other’s behavior. Not during your apology. “I’m sorry” is never followed by, “but you were…”
Any apology worth its salt takes full responsibility for the behavior and doesn’t recount what caused it. It’s a clear, focused admission of guilt–WITH NO JUSTIFICATION FOR IT. Clean. Heartfelt.
Ah, but the state-of-the art apology separates the women from the girls. It seeks reparation. It is hellbent on fixing what’s broken–even if the breakage isn’t entirely your fault. It’s lavish, generous, afraid of nothing, not even groveling, and wants the good feelings back beyond all things. It is to “Hey, I’m sorry, okay?” what a long passionate affair is to a brief, unfortunate one-night stand.
A friend of mine did something hurtful to her lover, and he moaned about it for weeks. Instead of saying, “I told you I was sorry. What do you want from me?” she said, very seriously, Tell me what I can do. I will take all the time in the world to do it. Please allow me to get rid of your anger, which I understand and deserve… but please help figure out what to do.”
I won’t tell you what he came up with. Suffice it to say they’re still very much together.
With love to my earthly lovers, TLG.