What on earth has happened to etiquette, down there? Whither kindness–and courage? I ask because two friends just, over the weekend, asked me the same question: “May I break up with a man by e-mail? ”
No, dear friends of mine down on planet earth–you may not. E-mail is a lovely tool, but it’s for exchanging quick information with people,s not for expressing anything that has even a touch of feeling in it. It’s hidesou etiquette not to speak directly to someone you were close enough to to have shared dinner, conversation, not to mention sex. The etiquette of ending it is not complicated: there are only four requirements, really, and they’re all intuitive. But in case the pressure of it all means you haven’t intuited them on your own, and you’re hoping to extricate yourself without too much to-do, let me reiterate them.
Do not pick a cozy spot.
Just as it’s too impersonal to send an e-mail, it’s too personal to go somewhere where you used to hold hands. Choose a neutral spot for a breakup. Stay out of both your homes: Meet instead in a public place, which has the double benefit of being neutral and of encouraging civility. Arrange to meet in the morning (giving him time to gather support throughout the day from friends), and in a place where you aren’t well known (so the waitress doesn’t say, “So how are you two cutie pies today? Haven’t seen you in awhile!”).
Do not use heavy artillery to make your point
Presumably you’ve already tried negotiating. Right now you’re saying you don’t want to see him anymore, which is both heavy artillery AND nonnegotiable enough. Even if he doesn’t believe you, and asks for the REAL reasons (meaning, not wanting to see him anymore isn’t enough), stick to the word “I.” I’ve been unhappy. I’ve decided I’m no longer able to make the relationship work for me. I’m not willing to try anymore. I, I, I. Sharing what you feel, not what you think, says it all without dredging up old arguments. And without attacking him.
Do not request friendship.
When you tell him it’s over, avoid trying to win his approval. In fact, avoid asking anything of him at all. You’re doing dirty work and you both know it. Particularly, don’t ask that he not be angry or hurt; or that he forgive you; or that he give you his blessing….or–the worst–that he become your friend. Being your friend is not an exciting opportunity, and all it feels like is a booby prize.–and condescending, to boot. (Reverse the situation. Want to be YOUR lover’s “friend”?) What’s more, you DON’T really want a friendship with him in this condition. Not right now. Not yet. Let him have a girlfriend and THEN offer friendship.
Do not call him to see how he’s doing.
After you tell him you don’t want to see him, leave him alone. Don’t ask his friends about him. The desire to check up on him is often an excuse to make sure he’s upset being without you-and it’s a terrible little short-lived ego-boost and an avoidance of your real task, which is to mourn without him and to let him do the same without you. Do not let him come over. Do not comfort each other. Because he WILL come over. And you’ll be at square one. And if you think Ending It the first time was hard, wait till you have to End It again.
