Q: Since my divorce three years ago, I’ve often been in the company (and, occasionally, the bed) of an old and dear friend, Mike, who’s ten years younger than I am and who my young kids–surprise!– adore. They keep dropping hints about our getting married. I don’t want to marry him, but I’m afraid to tell them, since they want it so and think I’m responsible for divorcing their father. –Puzzled
A: Dear Puzzled,
It may be that the kids accepted Mike early on because they rightly sensed he’s not truly their dad’s rival. Unthreatened, they formed a friendship and now, love him. But it’s time to tell your kids (and Mike, if by some remote chance he doesn’t know) exactly what’s up: that you’re great pals but not a future team. If Mike doesn’t like that, but is as good a friend as you say, he’ll stay around long enough for the kids not to feel abandoned and to assure them that your readiness to date someone else is not a betrayal of him. The kids need to know your plans are a joint decision, or at least ones that both you and Mike accept. Otherwise, it’ll feel like you’re just doing your thing again–leaving a man they love.