Every once in awhile I like to share the questions I’m most often asked that year. Some questions, like the one today, make the rounds for centuries because they never get properly answered. Just as few politicians dare tell the truth about the necessity for taxes. few experts dare be honest about things lovers may not want to hear. But I’m not running for office, and I’m always honest about love–which is one reason why you seek my counsel.
So, number one on my list of five most-asked questions of 2008:
Q: Can the “spark” of new love last?
A: No. Not if what you mean by “spark” is that sudden, hot, electric charge that happens when you meet and have sex in perfect harmony and it’s beyond magical and then you can’t sleep and feel ill with desire and can’t get your lover off your mind and at once understand the meaning of life and, well, you know. Sorry, but for those of you who crave all this and hope it continues–no; that goes away. Good thing, too, or we’d all be certifiable.
Endless magazine articles by endless numbers of experts have been devoted to the notion that putting this start-up “spark” back into enduring relationships is somehow do-able–but, my dear naïve earth lovers, the magic of new love is transient and designed to morph into something else. It’s gods’ and goddesses’ way of getting people together! It’s what I raised Cupid to do! As spring disappears when summer arrives; as raisins don’t taste like grapes; as new denim isn’t at all like soft old blue jeans, new love is…. new.
But what’s the matter with August, raisins, and comfy jeans? For that matter, doesn’t a vintage Bordeaux trump Welsh’s?
Something else, something some say is better than a “spark,” happens to sexual chemistry if it’s nurtured. A kind of alchemy occurs, wherein that spark turns into a fire that burns slowly as lovers explore the process of connection and relationship; as they relish the state of knowing each other more profoundly than they thought they did at the beginning. If that sounds like a booby prize, then, dearest ones,you’ve never experienced the transformation of infatuation into true intimacy. It’s walking along in this world (or the heavens) with someone whom you wouldn’t want to be anyone else. It’s real and it’s life-altering. It’s as mind-blowing as the first spark was–only it’s different. It’s a feeling that sustains your soul, not just lights your fire.
Plus, it doesn’t make you feel sick.
If you tend to experience transformation as loss, though, and persist in the sexual-spark idea because you’re afraid of “settling,” you will have to keep finding new sexual partners. One, then another, then another. Many people do this-in our culture right now it is eminently doable. They want it and they want it….until they don’t. But by then it’s all they know-a kind of Love Interruptus. And what I hear from them then is, “I think I’ve forfeited love….” because in not sticking around after the spark fizzled, love eluded them.
This is not a cautionary tale, nor a moral stance. I’ve just heard that the heat-pursuit gets old. I’ve spent many an hour consoling those who never recover once they find that all those sparks with all those pretty people just aren’t hot enough anymore to keep them warm.
Please share your experiences: Ask The Goddess. I welcome them, and your names, of course, will remain private.
