Q: The guy I’m going with is really out there: He’s wonderful, and he’s smart, and he’s fun–but he’s not what I had in mind. I can’t make the two–my vision and the reality–jibe. Is this common?
A: Yes. Very common. Your vision comes from centuries of implanted ideas, received wisdom not only about men but about men and women, and about how they “should” be and how you “should” feel. Ignore it all (except the parts about a guy being nice to you. And not being homeless, a drunk, or in prison.). Unless he deeply offends you for reasons you can’t change, forget how this relationship was “supposed” to look. Go by how you feel when you’re with each other, and how you feel about yourself inside it. In my (long!) experience, the happiest couples are the LEAST conventional. They don’t let others judge them, and they don’t judge themselves or each other by others’ criteria. I mean this very seriously: These couples know that the eyes of the world don’t, in the end, care or matter. You wind up at the movies or in your home with the other person; and if that’s a fun thing, you’re lucky indeed.