The Goddess Interviews a Mortal Male About Online Dating

Dear Readers:

Today we will observe a man who falls into one of my favorite categories: Dating Again. You know that “dating again” is hard on some people. It is particularly hard on Michael S., a divorced man who is on e-harmony. I bring him to your attention because, like other men I’ve spoken with, he kind of suspects potential dates might be out there to do harm. Some of them worry about “gold diggers.” Others, sexual “deadbeats.” Michael S. worries about sanity. Our interview today is about his fear of online insanity and his proposed “sanity panels,” which he believes will discourage not unscrupulous people, but unstable ones, from entering your online life. As always, I welcome your comments.

:  Michael, why have you become concerned about potential dates’ emotional stability?

MS: In cyberspace you have no idea how much medication a person is on. He or she has no inclination to mention pesky details like restraining orders, rehab programs or institutionalizations. They believe these omissions make them look better. With Bluetooth technology you could be talking with someone in a straitjacket.

:  Hmmm. Have you found this to be the case?  The straitjacket thing?

MS: One woman sounded as if she should be in prison, but I’m not sure. I suspect that bipolar disorders are masked in written transmissions. I know that eventually, I’ll have to talk with these people. So, I stay with the site’s e-mail as long as I can.

:  How long, given your fear of conversation with a lunatic, do you stay on the site’s e-mail, without giving out your own?

MS: Until their subscription to the site is about to expire. Six months is my preferred length.

:  Six months of interaction without even giving out your real name?

MS: A year, better. Beware of women and men who immediately want your e-mail address or phone number; stick with the “secure phone line” some sites offer-since what they know that we don’t is that there are people out there with no compunctions against boiling pet rabbits on your stove. Hence those dating site’s disclaimers. They don’t want your next of kin coming after them.

:  Michael, I’m all about Love. You’re all about…liability insurance.

MS: Yes, Goddess, liability insurance for e-dating would have kept A.I.G. in the black! I figure insurance for bodily injury on the inexpensive sites and protection against larceny (Bernie Madoff and Nigerian princesses) on the most inexpensive ones.

: So okay, insurance and…. a Sanity Panel?

MS: At least three friends kept fully informed about everything you do on your dating site. This means all profiles, emails and comprehensive notes of phone conversations. If you’re a man, the panel should be two parts women, one part man. The man will be almost totally useless. He will disregard everything but the photos and okay only the women that remind him of those testimonial types seen on male enhancement infomercials.

:  So he’ll vet women who could be crazy as hoot owls.

MS: As long as they don’t look like hoot owls. But you’ll need him to buffer the subcutaneously scouring attacks your women panelists will hurl. They’ll howl not only at your profile and conversations, but crucify your choice of women. Yet they, the women panelists, will serve as a functional Moody’s or S&P in establishing the risk you are about to enter.

:  I am on your panel. And may I suggest that perhaps it is you who should be under house arrest?

MS: Yes, you are not alone. My former lover suggested something similar.

:  Do you pay attention to your sanity panel?

MS: You are under no obligation to follow their advice, but you must keep them informed. They’ll be the ones to alert the authorities when you’ve gone missing.

:  That will be all for now, Michael. Have a lovely day.

MS: Thank you, Goddess.