I'm asked by a woman who read an earlier blog of mine and asks, "Okay, Goddess, so how do I learn to separate the guy who comes on too strong from the who is just showing his desire for me? How do I know whether a man will love me and then head for the hills? "
The answer is, you can't really know for sure how anyone's going to react after you get to know him, but you get good at sensing danger signs in your gut….and the trick is paying attention. Does his declaration that you are the right woman for him feel premature? (Um, it was two minutes after meeting you!) Does his intensity about getting together feel a tad like bullying? Does his questioning you about why you won't see him feel more like pressure than flattery? If any of these feelings are in your gut….then you are uncomfortable, and you ignored your own discomfort…what you can't do now is disregard the most instinctive, knowledgeable part of you in this meeting-a-man process. Your gut feelings are feelings of being preyed upon. Your head said, Oh, be nice.
No, says this goddess, don't be nice to someone who makes you feel a little too careful or a little too girlish or a little too anything. Pay attention to how you react and trust it. A guy who has genuine desire for you–not for the hunt– will back off a bit and think of another way to win you than by pressure.
Trust that gut!
–TLG
I have ignored my intuition and “gut feelings” and paid for it dearly. Now head takes the back seat to my gut. I admit it means I don’t connect as easily or often, but I also am happier freer and trust myself more when I put common sense ahead of infatuation.
I use a rule of thumb. If I have to ask the answer is no. By that I mean if I start to question or discount my inner wisdom, then the answer is no.
Dear Mia,
Glad to hear it. And you’ve clarified something that I did not: Infatuation is NOT the same as the gut feeling I referred to, which is an instinctive warning, a reaction to someone who is pushing, pressuring, belittling, mocking….but all in the name of wanting you, or wanting something from you, or wanting you to think there’s something slow or reticent or unspontaneous about you. When these are the same men whom we’re infatuated with, it’s difficult to read our instinctive “This Isn’t Right” feelings as serious warning signs. Good for you that you do.
TLG