I've talked about (and will no doubt talk MORE about after today) the two parts of a profile–the self-presentation (the sales pitch) and the request (whom you'd like to meet). The two parts should have the same feel and tone, since you're telling a story about you and the kind of people you like. Like a story, your profile should convey something deeper, quirkier, about you than many words allow. This is why overkill ("gorgeous, sexy, body that won't quit) on your part (and "six-pack abs") on his part sound so hollow, describing as they do anyone of any age and size and sensibility who happens to be a gym rat. A way to get closer to character is to pretend you're not you but a good friend of yours, hoping to fix you up with a lovely man, and groping to describe the depth and delight of you. So maybe, "Curvy and petite, studied jazz piano in hopes of sounding like Herbie Hancock." Or, "Gave up dancing but still have a dancer's legs." Or "Just discovered that Bekka Bramlett sounds exactly like her mother, Bonnie, who is my favorite rock singer." Someone out there will say, "I was at the Shrine Auditorium when Delaney and Bonnie played with Eric Clapton." (If he does, will you call me?)
Question and edit each word and phrase. Remove all the usual suspects, like "seeking a mate." You're not. And if, secretly, you are, keep it to yourself. (Who thinks of himself as a "mate," anyway, and who wants to think of this as a merger rather than a mere potential shared bottle of merlot?) Ditto for "lively," and "perky" and "fun" about you and "handsome," and "likes music" and "sensitive" about him–again, generic ideas that describe no one (imagine a novelist building a character that way!). And no knee-jerk earnestness. No "soulful woman" with "passionate nature" here. If it's a kind of cool guy who knows his way around
New York
and listens to Nora Jones that you want, say so with some oomph. "You've been known to Lindy to Wes Montgomery." "You liked the Russian Tea Room before it was redone." Or, "You miss Bradley's."
I know I'm hammering on this, but it's worth it: You may think you want a rich, successful guy but you'll never meet him by icily announcing, "Crave master of the universe who lives in Greenwich, got out of the market early, and looks like Clint Eastwood"– but you might by suggesting that you appreciate certain inclinations in such a man. "You take pride, secretly, because it took some doing, in the details of all that you do and have done– from your appearance to your work life to your family life." It's not his success per se you're interested in and appealing to; it's how he defines it, and how he feels about it.
Finally, remember once again that you're speaking in code, not cliches. Did you mention rainy summer nights or moonlight walks? Did you use words like "caring" and "loving" and "special"? How many EST dropouts and out-of-favor gurus (who by the way have a virtual lineup of caring, loving and special women in their yoga classes) do you want to meet? If you MUST talk about walking in the rain because you truly love to, then try, "Must own cute raincoat: will be using it a lot."
A guy who writes back, "It's a Burberry, I think, but it's old," gets the walking-in-the-rain thing.
***