I hear about it every day: The high-achieving woman and the man who is attracted to her.
It works like this: The man comes on to the woman, crazy about her looks, her confidence, her high achievement, and yes, her salary. She’s busy–too busy to pay too much attention to him. So he amps up the come-on–sends her sushi lunches at her desk; texts adorable messages while she’s working through her yellowtail. Tells her he’s never met anyone like her; that finally, FINALLY, here’s the woman he can actually relate to, since she’s so….fabulous and cool and successful.
So she says okay. Saturday night. And it’s great–he does appreciate her job, her ambition, her focus. Listens to her. Tells her she’s the one. They have sex. They date more. They become a couple.
And then it starts. Subtle shifts in the appreciation of her work ethic (as in, “Do you have to put in that much work? God, you’re a workhorse.”) Subtle changes in how he views her ambition (as in, “Do you think about anything other than success?”) Subtle changes in bed (“Maybe we can have sex again when you actually have some time for me.”) Like that. Suddenly, the man who knew the deal doesn’t like the deal anymore. The man who had such respect for your job thinks you’re too focused on it. He pulls away. Suggests that “real” women don’t work so hard. “Real” women–women, that is, he suggests he’d rather be with–like to cook a lot for their man. They focus a lot on their man. They revolve around their man. You, you mean thing, don’t understand what a man needs.
Dearest earth girls, this is just the beginning. If a man loved you at first knowing about all that you’re doing and all that you’re trying to achieve–and then suddenly holds you hostage to a view of women that doesn’t include that vision of yours, you’re in trouble. It means he was attracted to you because you’re vital, smart, successful, sexy–who WOULDN’T be?–but really has a whole other vision. An old one. A man-centric one. And you are not fitting that vision. You keep wondering, Why did he choose someone whose dreams he then undercuts? Why doesn’t he choose someone he approves of?
Because he’s not attracted to the kind of woman he thinks he is. He’s attracted to 21st century women. Unfortunately, he’s s 20th-century guy with an outmoded template stuck in his head.
All you can do is gauge your own fatigue level; gauge whether you’re increasingly in trouble. Maybe he’ll catch up to his modern girl and not try to make her fit an old-fashioned mold. And if he can’t? If you’re getting more exhausted dealing with him? If he’s getting grumpier as your achievements pile up? If sex has gone out the window and he says it’s all your fault? Well, dear earth girl, here’s your choice: Return to the past and give up your dreams so you can better fit an old template, or stay on course–and find someone who isn’t just attracted to your vitality….but embraces and supports it.