Q. Dear Goddess: My husband never remembers our anniversary. Usually, since it means a lot to me, I remind him of it–not to collect a present, but so we can do something fun. But I’m tired of reminding him. I feel like I’m controlling him. Why can’t he remember?” –Perennially Disappointed
A. Dear Disappointed Earth Girl: I don’t know why he can’t remember; and I’m sorry. But the more practical question is, how do you get what you need without feeling as if you’re his mother reminding him to write a Thank-You note?
You have three choices. One is to write it on his calendar. Not only on the actual date, but a week before. “Don’t forget! One week from tomorrow! Eight years and counting!” The trouble with this one is that if he doesn’t remember now, you’ve got a different problem on your hands than mere forgetfulness.
Another option is to arrange precisely what you’d like to do on your anniversary and announce it to him a week before. “Darling, just so you know, we’re going fishing on our anniversary. which is next Saturday.” If he doesn’t like the idea, ask him what he’d prefer to do. And then do it. The down side of this one is that, yes, you’re doing the thinking for him. But at least you get him out there with you on the big day.
The third option is to drop every expectation of any kind and go away for the day with friends. But if you opt for this one, you can’t be angry about it; it’s the choice you make when you’re sick of every other option; you don’t want to be sulky; and you want to have fun with SOMEONE on your anniversary. You might find that you can live with the fact that your anniversary should be recognized but, for whatever reasons, will not be….and deal with it the way you deal with lots of shoulds….you just move on. Why be left holding the bag year after year? Buy a couple of bottles of champagne, take a good friend on a picnic, and celebrate your anniversary with her. I know it sounds somewhat goofy–but it’s a lot better than playing either Mother to a guy who won’t grow up, or Mother Superior to a guy who doesn’t believe.