Q. Dear Goddess: My boyfriend likes to make up after an argument by having sex, and says I’m “carrying a grudge” if I don’t go along with it. I hate to, and also start to hate HIM for his insistence on making up this way. Am I wrong? — Grudge
A. Dear Grudge: Some people can resolve fights by having sex; some can put aside a fight in order to have sex. That’s great if it works for both people in the couple. Making love after a fight is a loving solution only if it’s a mutual solution–otherwise, work out your fight your own way and in your own time and don’t let anyone tell you what’s right or wrong. NEVER make nice when your sexual feelings are involved–or your sexual feelings will disappear.
If it’s not mutual, if one person doesn’t feel like sex–it’s a violation of your needs in favor of his. In fact, what your boyfriend is presenting as a “loving” solution to a fight is nothing less than a form of bullying, given your desire not to handle it that way. Explain to your lover that you need time; that you need to be alone; that you need to take a walk. 
Tell him that this rhythm of yours is who you are, and that if you’re forced to please or mollify him at your own expense , and moreover to pretend that this is good for the relationships, you’ll both be very unhappy with the results. In fact–and you can tell him or not tell him this, but I’ve been around long enough to know it: If he doesn’t let this go, you’ll soon be walking out the door and looking for someone who honors your rhythm, your desires, your needs….as seriously as he honors his own.