Q. Dear Goddess: I’ve been trying to find a dating site that really zeroes in on people; one that can help me find Mr. Right. Any thoughts? –Looking
A. Dear Looking: Well, dearest seeker of love, of COURSE I have thoughts. All I do, it seems, is think of how to match people together so they have love in their lives! And I read a piece in The New York Times that will interest you:
Blinded by Science in the Online Dating Game
So much good work is being done to try to find ways to shorten the getting-to-know-you process, or even bypass it completely, as you’ll see in the story. But here’s my advice: Set up a profile on whatever site you choose and make sure you say exactly what you want and that you represent yourself not as you would wish yourself to be but as you are. A picture you like, but not one taken under lights that can’t be duplicated outside a photographer’s studio. An age that has something to do with your real age. Interests that are real; accomplishments you can back up. Your job isn’t to make a new woman out of yourself in your profile, but to say, in effect, Hey, This is Me, and this is what you’ll see when we go out, and you won’t have any nasty surprises. (I still don’t understand the impulse to fool people; those people are people you’re going to have to MEET!)
Then, say what you want in a man as carefully and accurately as you can. (I know, I’ve talked about this before. A lot.)
And finally, meet the guy who contacts you (or guys, as the case may be) as soon as possible. No three-month-long e-mail rallies; no waiting till you’ve shared all your dreams. You want to meet anyone with whom you decide to connect online immediately. Why? Because pen-pals don’t make lovers. Because sharing thoughts on paper have zero to do with being comfortable together in person. Because science hasn’t yet pinpointed on paper precisely what happens when we meet (although my longtime colleague Helen Fisher is working on it!). The point is, and everyone I know says the same thing: Ultimately, matches are still made–guess where? In heaven, of course. Which is why you come to me!