Q. Dear Love Goddess, I have two young kids, a girl, 7 and a boy 10, who have fallen in love with my boyfriend–after finally mourning the loss of their father, whom I divorced four years ago and who doesn’t see them much. They are dropping hints about our getting married; they’re even calling Mike “Dad” sometimes–which Mike encourages because he likes their plan. I’m not in love with Mike, and probably won’t marry him, but can’t bear to tell this to any of them–who all have my future planned! –Worried About Hurting Everyone
A. Dear Worried-About-Hurting-Everyone: Don’t worry! It may well be that the kids are “in love” with Mike precisely because they sense you’re not, and sense, too, that he’s no rival to their missing dad. Because they’re looking for a dad (and calling Mike “dad” suggests it) it’s time to tell both Mike and the kids what’s up–that you, like them, adore Mike, but are not of marrying him. If Mike cares about you and the kids enough to want to marry you, he won’t reveal his disappointment in a way that hurts the kids, and will instead show them that your not being in love with him is not only acceptable and fair, but not a betrayal of him. (If he in any way lets them feel he’s heartbroken, he should go be heartbroken somewhere where the kids don’t witness it.) By talking about everyone’s feelings openly, and including everyone in the “decision” about your marriage–even if it’s not actually on the table but exists only in their fantasies– you’ll defuse the issue and teach them tons about the resilience and passion of friendship, kinship and love: that whatever the reality of a situation, everyone’s emotions matter. 