Q: Dear Love Goddess: I’ve been seeing a man I met online for over a month–we’ve been together six times. We had sex the last three times. It was terrific. There has been no weirdness even for a moment, but he has stopped calling. He did “check in” a day ago and said something along the lines of “Maybe we can have a drink next week” as though we had just met. It felt as if he had a gun to his head. I’m in shock and want to tell him off…..may I? –Outraged
A: Dear Outraged: I wouldn’t. It’s probably the most common complaint I’ve gotten in all my epochs of speaking with women about love: The Hit and Run Lover. I’ve called him other things, but this name fits because he leaves you like roadkill, hurled to the side of the road without a moment’s regret . Is he disturbed? Is he crazy? Is he scared? Who cares?
I feel strongly about this. I’m the Love Goddess, and am all for love–but there’s nothing here that remotely speaks of love. I don’t give a heavenly damn if he got scared and didn’t realize how much he cared and had to back off or whether he was deluged at work. . A decent man, a grown-up, a person who has shared your bed, a man with whom you have had more than a one-night-stand, has a voice. He can express himself, even if his words are unpleasant. “I’m sorry, but I won’t be able to see you for awhile, and I didn’t want you to think I’d disappeared.” Yes, it’s horrible, it’s unsatisfactory, it’s the pits–but it’s enough to let you know he isn’t lying under a truck somewhere. And that you’re not crazy.
Say nothing. Don’t take his calls. A drink sometime next week? I don’t think so. By no means tell him off. He may CRAVE being told off. He may LOVE casting you in the role of the hurt, outraged, indignant girlfriend; the uptight Mother forced to remind this pathetic child of basic etiquette. It’s a not a role for you, dear earth girl, so don’t play it. Take your power back. In six weeks, you found out who he is, and that’s all you need to know.
