I need to say it again: My insistence on avoiding men who are “better” than you–that is, ones who have decided they have a corner on good character; ones who preach about “good” women and “good” behavior…..goes beyond wanting you to avoid sanctimonious bores. Or even sanctimonious hypocritical bores. Women who are stuck with such men–not for a few boring hours but for the duration of a relationship–inevitably end up feeling just the way the men want them to feel: like Bad Women. Because who can live up to such sanctimony?
I’ve always warned women against taking on the more familiar role of the Good Woman in a relationship– the one who stands for virtue. Set up as the good-hearted woman in love with the good-timin’ man, the guy has nothing to do but be that “bad boy” next to the Good Girl. For him, there’s nothing but guilt ahead. And guilt, as anyone knows whose felt it, is no fun. It makes a guy feel like he’s cozying up to Mom.
So reverse it. Who needs to feel like a sinner cozying up to, oh, say, a priest? Dull as it is to be alone; dull as it is to be the long-suffering “good girl” pitted against the bad boy, it’s equally horrible to be cast in stone as some fine lad’s “bad girl.” You’ll have urges to be far badder than you are. You’ll hate the role. And even if your saintly guy isn’t hypocritical–that is, even if he’s really, really, really Good and not a fake (like Mark Sanford and others like him, as we already discussed) yesterday –you’ll nevertheless soon be begging to yearn for….someone who can tolerate badness AND goodness. Someone who doesn’t need to talk about it or represent it or lay guilt trips on you about it. Someone you really can cozy up to. 