Q. Dear Goddess: A man complained to me that I had my phone on the table during our first date. I always have my phone on the table–what’s his problem?
A. Dear Earth Girl: His problem is that it’s rude to plant your phone on the table as a matter of course. If you’ve ever been with a man who has time for his boss, say, and his kids, and his ex-wife–but not you….you know the feeling of being, well, unimportant. The feeling conveyed by that BlackBerry on the table is that other people have access to you at any time during this date.
The subject actually hit the front page of The New York Times today-the problem of wireless devices in business meetings. My concern, of course, is not your work but your love life.
If you’re too busy to connect with someone in person, maybe you should stay at the office, make your phone calls and your e-mails and leave this poor guy out of your life until you have a moment to spare him. It’s rather like being in a store making a transaction, and having the salesperson take a phone call from another customer– and focus for fifteen minutes on the phone caller’s transaction rather than on yours! If something is so important that you must await a call (or make one), explain it up front. “My oncologist may call; she only has time in the evenings to return calls. I hope you won’t mind if I take that call. I won’t take any other.”
What disturbs me most is not just the rudeness, but the fact that many people use phones the way they once used cigarettes–to appear occupied; to have something to do with their hands; to look comfortable. As though not being busy, or not obviously wanted on the phone, is somehow humiliating and agitating. Okay, that’s acceptable for teenagers….but for adults, it’s far more dignified to put away that phone and read a newspaper until your friend comes. I promise you: The most important people in the world make a point of spending time with others without a phone in site–rather the way the Queen of England doesn’t carry cash. Importance, like wealth, doesn’t have to be proven.
