Q. Dear Goddess: My lover has been talking a lot about wanting more “space.” When I ask him what he means, he can’t explain it and just gets cranky. Does he know what he means?
A. Dear Earth girl: Yes, he knows just what he means. He can’t explain it because he doesn’t want to say it; he was sorta hoping you’d get it without his having to formulate the brutal words. He wants out. At least, that’s what he’s toying with, and that, my sweet thing, is what you’re going to help him do. You’re going to let him go.
Granted, he may backpedal a lot when you say, “My love, you need to have your space.” Now that is of course precisely what HE”S saying (and precisely as vague), but since he’s just toying with all this presumably (you’d know, wouldn’t you, if he were actually dating someone else?) he may be actually worried when he hears you validate his words by repeating them verbatim. “What do you mean?” he might ask.
“I mean you’ve asked for space. I’m saying you need to have what you’ve asked for.”
And here’s what you ALSO mean.
You mean that no man who feels trapped by you is permitted to stay with you. You are not a zookeeper and he is not a caged animal. You mean that a person who asks for “space” means he needs to get out more–and not with you–and while you don’t like it, you are tough enough to take it. You mean that he need not go to the tortuous trouble of explaining how MUCH space he wants, since he doesn’t know but it’s certainly more than he wishes to say or he wouldn’t be using the euphemism “space” in the first place. You mean that effective right away, you are both free to date others, and that while it isn’t the way you’d have it if all were perfect, you are a big girl and will take some space of your own, which you hope won’t hurt him. (You do not say any of this to hurt him or to retaliate; only as a statement of fact.) And finally, you mean that while he’s taking his space, you don’t want to date him. (“People don’t go backwards,” you can say. “This is the only way we can both move forward.”)
If you are living together, he must move out. (It’s the Space-Wanter’s responsibility to find New Space.) You tell him you hope he’ll want to move back together, but that while the space thing is going on, you must be apart.
See? You GIVE YOUR LOVER HIS SPACE. Period. Nothing more said. No definitions needed. No tears, no guilt-mongering, no outrage, no (expressed) anger. No drilling!
Remember that the sooner he leaves, the sooner he may want to come back–particularly if the severance is a clean one. (He may not know what hit him.) That is, if his space thing hasn’t already moved into something more serious.
If I sound tough here, it’s because I know this Space thing very well. The Heavens are mighty spacious, and the Gods have been known to want to roam a universe or two.
Stay strong!
