Dear Goddess: I recently got married again after years of being single. I’m shocked by how many of my friend, even those who are also married, had weird reactions to my happiness-Is it possible they weren’t so happy about it at all?
Dearest Earth Girl: No, I suspect they’re happy for you– But all major events, whether a divorce, a death, even the happiest ones like marriage and the birth of a child, DO bring out “weird reactions”–in all of us. These events are epic in our imaginations; theyembody so many of our dreams and hopes. Your friends’ reactions are only partly personal–they only seem aimed at you, the happy bride, because this is your magnificent event that ‘s just happening to trigger all their longings, all their huge lifelong expectations, hopes and fantasies. A wedding elicits so much in us about how our own lives are playing out, because suddenly there’s this stark comparison to someone else (and it doesn’t matter how much we love her!). There’s a pinch of jealousy (“Her marriage is so new and sexy and maybe going to be happier than mine”) and a touch of fear (“Will I ever get to see her now that she’s all tied up with this guy?”) and a sprinkling of envy (“He’s so successful! They’re moving to a freakin’ mansion!”)
But people’s oddest reactions have to do simply with the prospect of change. We all go a little nuts when what used to be is clearly over–even if we’re supposed to be thrilled that it IS over. (This is a pretty bad comparison, but what suddenly comes to mind are kids who are brought up by abusive parents but can’t bear the idea of not being taken from them.) The point is, I don’t know anyone who feels only one feeling when presented with change. And when we’re supposed to feel only happiness about it, or only generosity and joy, we feel even worse–like, who can live up to that saintliness? Who feels only one thing at a time, anyway?
So go easy on your pals. They’re happy. But they’re a little nervous. Once they see that you’re still the same old buddy that they loved before she crossed the altar again–someone who’s generous and understanding about their complications– they’ll be less weird.
