Q: Dear Goddess: In this new economic climate, should men and women split checks on their dates? I want to go out, but I don’t have a lot of money–and don’t know if it’s fair to ask a guy to pick up the check. –Janie
A: Ah, Janie, you’ve hit upon an issue that seems to be all over the place once again. I know many who would come down on the “No, don’t split checks” side, citing the unfair differential in women’s pay vs. men’s pay, and the necessity for some vestiges of courtship. And many others would say “Yes, split the check,” citing all sorts of fairness issues. Today, in The New York Times’ “Ideas & Trends” page, in an interview with Helen Gurley Brown, the famous editor reminds us of her Cosmo Girl philosophy. To the question “When can you split the check with date?” Helen answers, “If you love him and he’s desperate; or if it’s a project you promoted that he hates, like the ballet; or If he can’t even pay his rent. ”
But then Helen adds the afterthought that I want to focus on here. After all this fairness, she wonders, “Are you sure you want him?”
In other words, fairness and love intervene in all money consideration–but be careful that you don’t go overboard. Certainly online dating requires that we get together with someone before we decide we like him, so we can’t expect the rules of courtship to apply before courtship has begun. And we can’t expect a man to pay for our dates if a real date hasn’t yet been made.
But courtship rules run deep in our bones, and our expectations of gentlemen kick in at some time or other. If you’ve met and split the check several times and he says, “Wanna go to the movies next Saturday?”–then I think it’s fair to assume he’s going to pick up the tab for that evening. And then it’s nice to make the next one, say, at your place. The idea these days is that we’re all working (or equally likely, not working), but still want to meet new people–so we have to suspend old ideas. But it’s tricky, at best. For while no one expects much of a dating paradise anymore, you do kind of want your man to court you, even if it takes awhile for him to do so. it’s a question of equality, but it’s also a question of chivalry. So, if you find yourself generously paying your share for longer than you feel you should be doing so, or longer than you want to, you’re going to wind up annoyed and asking yourself, as Helen asked, are you sure you want him?
Who pays for what and for how long raises all sorts of emotional issues, rational and irrational. So be careful in your intellectual assessment both of what’s fair and what’s expected. Remember (once again) that dating is ultimately courtship, and courtship requires certain things of gentlemen that we still crave deep in our souls. One of them is that a guy takes us out to dinner and a show now and again.
