Dear Goddess, my husband and I still live under the same roof, but have been awaiting the time when we could afford to get a divorce. Things are not getting easier…..what’s your advice? –Stranded
Dear Stranded,
When breaking up is this hard to do, my advice is not to do it. At least not yet.
Couples who hoped to cash in their riches and split them amicably in the usual kind of divorce–where one person buys the other out, or by splitting the proceeds on their home, are up a creek right now that one in six homes is worth less than the mortgage owned on it. Besides having far less to split. who in this economy can buy the other one out? And who. having done so, can maintain the home alone? Who can sell a toxic asset–in a toxic environment–and pay voracious divorce lawyers to “help” them?
If ever there were a time to opt for discipline and emotional health, it is now. If ever there were a time that you two could get together on something, it should be now–instead of letting two divorce lawyers eat up a minimum of $350 each per hour to help the two of you lose your shirts. If ever there were a time to summon Civility and Sanity, it is now.
But how? First, agree that this will be incredibly difficult, but that uniting for the moment is not only less stressful, but beneficial on every level, from financial to emotional. Consider a mediator, just for this interim period. Agree that summoning your best selves in your own best interests is just that: A huge benefiti toyou both. Make a pact to stay out of each other’s way but to keep your eye on the ball: Get together at agreed-upon intervals–say, once a month–to reevaluate. Keep lawyers entirely out of the equation: they will not agree with me or with you on this idea. Their job is to pit you against one another, and they will do just that. If they’re already involved, get them out. You can, you know. You really can.
Both of you must be in on this pact, or it won’t work. If either of you is unable to agree that you will temporarily unite, then, my darling friends, you probably won’t last under the pressure of each other’s toxicity. So if that’s the case, just cut your losses, get out, bring on the lawyers, and know that going broke was the only option you could both agree on.
I won’t be so disingenuous as to suggest that those who agree to this plan won’t want to divorce (although I can cite two cases where that happened) but I can say that those who agreed to disagree until it suited them financially, found that their divorce, when it did take place, was a kinder, gentler thing than it started out being.
