I’m hearing a lot about the problem many women have of “handing themselves over” to the dating process–that is, feeling that, once they decide to go online, say, they begin a slow process of not quite being themselves anymore. Of being good girls. Of needing to please. It’s remarkably subtle, this process, but let me give you an example.
You write a profile for one of the dating sites. You go through all the questions and then begin the process of describing yourself, and describing what you want in a partner. You spend endless amounts of time describing yourself, even including something like, “Friends tell me I look like Raquel Welch,” or other ways of describing your looks. Your profile becomes very accurate and rather long.
But then the request part–what you want in a date–is unformed, short, and vague. He must be, oh, fit. And open to new ideas, maybe. But your ideas for what you want in him are far vagueer and less formed than the carefully constructed view you offer of yourself. Now I know that’s partially because you know yourself beetter than you know precisely what you want in this as-yet-to-be-met date, but it’s crucial that you ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT….and that that asking be the clearest, largest part of your online profile. Because YOU are the one who needs to be pleased here. Nobody else.
I know I’ve said this before. But the reason it’s so important to short-circuit the impulse to sell youself is that you’re not looking for a huge number of respondents; you’re looking for one or two. Beyond that, though, being actively interested in what you’re asking for–not what you’re selling–reminds you of the importance of holding on to your self once you begin the dating process. Remember, there’s a history to dating, and a history to trying to make ourselves desirable. It’s a sad histor: in the name of becoming “desirable” women have lost track of what they themselves desire. They cave in to a process of male selection. I urge you, my modern earth girls, to please remember that you’re doing the selecting in this new game. And that men want women just as much as women want men.
So all you want to do–nothing else–is to reveal a small bit of who you are and are larger bit about what you are looking for. You, after all, have nothing to prove. YOU are the one who must be pleased. Otherwise, you will simply be smiling a lot, feeling like you’re selling out a bit, and in the process turning a lot of people down who aren’t even close to what you want.
