I’m just back from The University of Vermont, where one of my darling goddess-daughters, Ryan, just graduated from the Honors School, and where former Vermont governor Howard Dean gave the keynote address. Dean, also former Chairman of the Democratic Committee, spoke with passion about political activism–about how different it was in his day (a day famous for its political activism). In comparing the activism of baby boomers with that of the generation he was addressing, Dean made a crucial differentiation: “We were a confrontational generation,” he said. “Your generation is much smarter.”
His generation fought for Civil Rights and Feminism. But this generation brought it all home, by bringing Obama into office, a feat of genius done not by face-to-face confrontation with the opposition, but with brains on the internet.
Which brought me, of course, to the question of love and whether the Confrontational Generation was smarter or less smart in getting its need met, relationally. I don’t think it is. It’s not young women who can’t get what they want in their love affairs, but their mothers–who, as it happens, are also dating and falling in love and marrying and remarrying. These are the very women who, even having bringing in Feminism seem to me vulnerable to hurting themselves by not being confrontational–hurting themselves in the name of having love and relationship! “We boomers are called the most entitled generation of all time,” one beautiful mother of a graduate said to me, “and as articulately as I can state my case at work, or in a political context, I don’t know how to state my case in a relationship!”
At age 52, one of the graduates’ mothers lives with a man– in her home, by the way–and yet doesn’t dare ask him, a wealthy businessman skittish about women he calls “gold-diggers”–to contribute to the rather considerable household bills.
And what about all that gold he’s afraid of having dug from his pockets-what’s it being used for? “He buys us beautiful dinners,” she explains when I ask her what’s stopping her from discussing money; from confronting him about the bills they’re both incurring “He gets us tickets to wonderful concerts. It hasn’t been that long….” she trails off.
Another woman, also the mother of a graduate, lives in her boyfriend’s home and works for him in his business. He has an ongoing illness that takes him, regularly, to the hospital for treatment. “What happens to me when something really bad happens to hiim?” she asks rhetorically.
“What happens to you?” I ask obediently.
“Nothing. Not one thing. His house goes to his children. His pension goes to his children. Now I love his children, but when I gave up my house to live in his, we used that money together; put it into his business. I don’t know, now, how to ask, or even what to ask for.”
Earth Ladies, get a grip! I understand the fear of loss involved in all this, but come on! Where’s the Confrontational Gene in your divine makeup; the one your generation is so famous for? Where are your brains when it comes to your money, your future, your wellbeing? I KNOW you can take care of men and children….no generation has been more active in bringing up its young–.but what about caring for YOU? You are the women who put Women’s Liberation into high gear; who assured the true manifestation of Civil Rights; the generation former governor Dean was speaking of. You started political activism! You confronted authority! Dean, urging the less confrontational graduates to continue to be active in politics, said to them, “Now that you have elected your first president, don’t blow it,” he said. What can I say to you mothers of these smart young men and women?
Only this. If you’re in your fifties now, and haven’t discussed with your live-in lover how your money will work should disaster strike, I want you to vow to become both more confrontational and smarter. I don’t care if you do it face-to-face (the old way) or by e-mail, as your kids do it. I only know one thing: This is your money. This is your future. This is your old age. Don’t blow it.
