Here’s one small but typical example of what happens to a man and a woman on a lovely date when she talks about her feelings. And I don’t even mean feelings about the relationship; just any feelings at all. I call it the Pizza Parlor Illustration of Communication Breakdown.
A couple walk into a pizza place-a little dive they’ve never been to but have heard good things about. They sit down. The woman looks around and says, “Gee, it’s pretty darned dingy in here.”
The guy starts to turn around and says, “So okay, let’s go somewhere else.”
She says, “No, I’m fine with staying. I’m just saying it’s dingy.”
He says, “What do you want me to do?” and looks nervous.
She says, “Nothing. It’s just….so down-and-out looking, with the dirty napkins all over the floor.”
At that point, they’re deadlocked. The conversation ends. Neither of them quite knows why the other is so annoyed, or so baffled. But it’s huge– as if they’d had an enormous fight over the war in Iraq, say, or Gay Marriage.
And here’s the thing. She doesn’t want him to do anything. While he’s thinking he should be putting a fresh coat of paint on the walls, or picking up the dirty napkins from the floor, and wondering how he landed with someone so impossible, she doesn’t know what’s gotten into him. All she wanted from him was a quick. “Yeah. You’re right. It’s dingy. So, you want pepperoni or mushroom?
Women want their feelings validated; men want to fix things. And there you have it.
A guy hear’s a woman’s feelings and thinks he has to do something about them and so he goes into high alert. If she seems unhappy he suspects he’s going to have to do, I don’t know, build a new house or re-seed the lawn or clean the basement. He freaks out, adding up in his head what such an expensive proposition will cost, while she’s sitting there thinking, “Hope the pizza’s good.”
So my darling earth lovers, you can break this vicious and ridiculous deadlock. Men, just learn to say, “Yeah, you’re right. Never thought about it that way,” and move on. Women, give your guy a break. It’s incredibly simple. When you make an observation, take your observation its conclusion. That is, to the reality that it IS a mere observation. Take him off the hook. “It’s dingy in here. But let’s eat –maybe the pizzas are fantastic. I’ll have sausage.” That’s it. That’s all you need to tack on to your point, and it will keep him from feeling he has to renovate the pizza parlor. And the two of you will continue your lovely dinner date, complete with warm conversation, without ever again dealing with the kind of mysterious interruption that happens when the genders misunderstand each other!
