Q. I’m not getting married just yet, but I’m involved with a man who has expressed his desire for marriage. I’m not sure I can promise sexual exclusivity. What do I do?
A. Say so, dearest lover. But first, find out whether he expects it. He may want his sexual freedom, too. This is not to say he wants an open marriage-but that he might need to talk about this issue as much as you do. While you’re both single. The very discussion of it might bring you closer to a deeper commitment.
Many women grow up feeling that the minute they’re dating someone fairly regularly, the implicit demand is that they give up dating others. (Some women don’t, of course; but others tell me they feel that way almost immediately-as if they’re “cheating” on someone they’ve barely met. Even women who were once married, who have children, who are dating again.) So just ask, “What are your feelings about exclusivity? And fair to say, “I’m uncomfortable with the idea because I don’t want to hurt our chances of growing closer….but I don’t think I’m quite ready for complete commitment.” You’re giving your partner a chance to weigh in on your feelings and on his, and to discuss options. It’s unreasonable and usually disappointing to jump into sexual exclusivity prematurely because you think it’s expected-it may be an expectation put on you by your mother, or the culture-and not shared by your lover. Similarly it’s not fair to pretend you’re going to be faithful if you have every reason to believe you can’t be.
A relationship means connection, above all else-it’s the essence of commitment. The best way to connect well enough to take that leap into what will one day probably become sexual exclusivity is to see if he can hear all your doubts and fears about it. If he can’t, I suspect he might not be husband material.
