Q. All I hear is that when I’ve found my soulmate, and marry him, we’ll become ONE? Is this true?
A. No. And thank your lucky stars for that. And thank you, too, for letting me talk about one of the most damaging myths of all time.
Those who tell you that you’ll become “one” when you’re in love may be referring to that wonderful state of sexual union when all boundaries fall away and you’re freed from the sense of isolation that is the self alone. Such ecstasy IS miraculous and is in the nature of great sex. But that state of oneness, and having no boundaries; that sense of melting together, of being forever on the same wave length, of being united with the very universe…. ends, necessarily, once you get dressed. I say “necessarily” because if it stayed with us, we’d never make it across the street.
That oneness is a feeling, but not an ongoing one. And, most important, who wants it to be? You’re two whole people, not melting halves. And yet, some people mourn the loss of that union the moment lovemaking ends. (There is a latin phrase that says, roughly, “After lovemaking, everyone in the world becomes sad.”) In therapy circles, these people are said to have “permeable boundaries.” I’ve heard of people who get angry when their lovers leave the bed after lovemaking, as if it’s a kind of abandonment. (That’s a whole different story.) But we all have to toughen up after our blissful unity and become separate again.
Where did the myth of oneness come from? There was a time when subsuming a woman’s self into a man’s self was quite literal: at marriage, the husband had control over all finances, property, and decisions. It was called “couverture,” and meant that she literally became his property: she had no property in her name; no money in her name, and of course, no vote. She did many things but, having no worldly power, the “one” person in that couple was the husband. Women were encouraged to accept it. Men were encouraged to expect it. Hence the oneness myth.
Marriage can suffer even now from this old notion, since it never before had to house so many big, strong, independent, successful women under its roof , along with big, strong, independent, successful men. So we all must stretch the walls of marriage–even if we have to fight like mad to do it. Marriage is just a place, and it must be made–to make it accommodate the two of you.