Q: I love my boyfriend: Why am I still so sexually
attracted to other guys?
A: Because, dearest earth girl, you are human.
Whoever told you that attraction ends when commitment begins? Your mother? Surely not. And yet there is, deep in the culture, the idea that once we’re committed to someone, all our Desire Apparatus are focused exclusively on that man. (For the record, men wouldn’t dream of assuming such nonsense, and no one would dream of thinking that THEY aren’t attracted to other women just because they love one.) But I’m here to say that just because you love one glorious man, or live in a wonderful marriage, it doesn’t mean you don’t and shouldn’t take pleasure in the sight, sound and experience of other attractive beings.
This crazy idea–that once we’ve found a man, no other man can be attractive to us-is a myth that was once used to seduce women into sexual fidelity (along with more severe measures, like, well, chastity belts) by insisting that they had eyes for no one but their husbands. Moreover, cultural conditioning in this odd piece of the double standard encouraged women to believe that they weren’t real women if they so much as felt a twinge of lust for someone other than their beloved. It’s been floating around for so long, this crazy idea, that some women still feel guilty when they have a momentary urge to run off to bed with another.
This Women Are By Nature Monogamous theory, is, like most convenient theories, nonsense. The inconvenient truth is that it’s natural for both genders to feel desire for others. It’s wisdom that keeps us from doing something about it, but that wisdom doesn’t come from the body. You choose sexual fidelity, and nourish your choice with discipline, maturity and a sense of humor. But don’t ask your body to take up society’s best interests, or even yours—that’s not its job.
I’d love to hear from you about this fascinating topic!
