This question might surprise you, since no smart, autonomous young lover imagines that anyone could fall prey to that odd loss of self one heard about years ago. But believe me, my dear lovers, I hear it all the time: “Why Don’t I Feel Like ME–the me I am when I’m single– when I’m in a relationship?” or “I love my partner….but I don’t feel like myself anymore.” I have heard this year after year after year…..so, here it is, reframed:
Q: Can I be in love and still be ME?
A: Yes. But if you are a woman asking the question, it’s not that easy. And that’s because we women have, historically, turned ourselves inside out in the name of having a relationship. We’ve wanted to please….and the issue of pleasure, our own pleasure, has taken a back seat to the all-important desire to please others.
Women have for so long put such great stock in relationships that for centuries they spent more time figuring out how to please their partners than they did understanding the importance of pleasing themselves. In fact, women who tended to go ahead and seek pleasure of their own (and not put their lovers’ or their husbands’ or their children’s first) were called “selfish”–a word that put fear in loving, nurturing women’s hearts. As a result, many women spent so long pleasing others that they actually conflated the words pleasure and pleasing–truly didn’t know what they wanted EXCEPT to make their loved ones happy. I can’t tell you how often I hear, “What do I want? ME? Who knows?” This fragility of self in relationship–a female experience more than a male one, I’m sad to say–goes back to not knowing how to please oneself; not putting as much effort into it as into pleasing one’s partner. It is crucial that a woman finds pleasure in her life that ISN”T connected to the pleasures of others–for that’s how she stays herself.
Staying yourself–“Being Me-“- means several things. One is, doing what made you happy before you became a couple; doing the things you love and not suddenly feeling, once you’re engaged or married, as if they’re inappropriate or time-consuming or “selfish” or somehow “wrong”–because they’re all about you (and not about the relationship). Second, it means not editing yourself; not putting pressure on yourself to be like some imagined woman out there who is, supposedly, more attractive, more pleasing, less emotional, less political, less opinionated, smarter, thinner, cuter, whatever. It’s surprising how much we all still do this–imagine that we’re falling short of some idealized woman.
Being YOU means dropping that idealized woman, and that idealized relationship you imagine would BE if you only were different. It means reclaiming the idea of having what you want without calling it “selfish.” (I like “self-ful.”) It means keeping your eye on your own life and not, either subtly or overtly, focusing on his life alone. (When your married, it means not just focusing solely on his life and the kids’ life.) For, while the impulse is genuine and generous, over time you can find yourself slipping away slightly, almost imperceptibly. Until one day you don’t recognize the person you’ve become. Neither does your lover. That’s when I hear, “Goddess, I no longer feel like ME anymore!”
The only way to BE you is to STAY you-however inconvenient that may feel, sometimes, to the ones you love.
I have to agree, sometimes a woman can get lost in her relationship. I have been married for almost 18 years, and during those years, I stayed home to raise my children. It was very easy to sort of “fall into” that role of just a mother and a wife. The role of the wife being cooking, cleaning and listening to your spouse. When I went to bed at night, I had no energy or time to devote to me. Funny thing~ when I turned 40, I realized something. I had slowly been fading away into someone I did not know. How did I know this? One night, my husband and I wanted Chinese Food. We always got Wonton Soup. It was then that it hit me. I don’t like Wonton Soup. Why do I eat it? I always used to get Egg Drop Soup before I married him. Why did I change? To please him when we were dating! That night, I ordered Egg Drop Soup and enjoyed every bite. It never tasted so good. We had a good laugh about it, and still do. So, I really do believe that it happens. Women must work at remaining who they are. I am so much happier now that I spend a bit more time taking care of myself. The result is that my husband notices how much happier I am now! Being “me” again has done wonders for my relationship!