Dearest wounded lovers, I assume you’ve spent the weekend in bed and followed the 8-part program to get yourself out of Heartbreak Hell. You’re rested. You’ve eaten well. You haven’t cut your hair into last year’s Victoria Beckham bob; you haven’t put in hightlights that turned green or leave the glycolic peel on too long. You’re okay.
Now comes the hard part: Letting go.
First, you need to be honest and clear with yourself about what really happened–why he left; what your part was in the dissolution of the relationship and what his part was. Maybe it didn’t dissolve at all; maybe he found someone else right when you thought all was perfect. Maybe you were at your best from the beginning, and it wasn’t good enough. Maybe you were at your worst from the beginning and wish you had been kinder, warmer, more loving. It might have been grossly unfair or just one of those things. No matter. Just get clear about it.
Part two is the inner work, the one question you must ask yourself that will get you out and going again: “Why do I want this relationship to continue– when HE doesn’t want it to? ” This is really hard. Because rejection often has the perverse effect of heightening the love of the rejected for the rejecter. (Think of the men who liked you the very most once you were ready to leave them, or actually HAD left them.) You should be able to say, “You don’t want me? Then we shouldn’t be together!” and move on. Maybe that kind of emotional health is unattainable, but don’t decide that the relationship was better than it really was–just because it is no more. Don’t, in other words, rewrite history because you no longer have a choice in the outcome of the story. Get tough with yourself about avoiding unnecessary–an neurotic–suffering. What, after all, can a relationship featuring one turned-off lover hold in store for the other lover (that would be you)? What pleasure would there be in trying to love someone who doesn’t love you (that would be him)? None, except in fantasy.
If you focus on reality, and on your part in this drama–and not on the fantasy of having him back and everything being magically perfect, you’ll become clear really fast. Loving is swell, but only if it’s not one-way.
