Here’s a question for you, my dearest lovers down there on earth. It comes from a reader, and normally I’d put this in the Ask The Goddess section of this site, but I’m hearing it so often that I want to blog instead. This is from Harriet: “I have been happily married for over ten years. My husband is my best friend and we get along great. My problem is he has decided has a fantasy he would like to fulfill which involves him sleeping with other women and he would like my consent to do so. He would also like for me to join in at some point in time. I am not sure I am comfortable to do so but I do not want to ruin our marriage by not doing so. Any advice?”
Yes, I have advice. But first I need to know how you sense you’ll feel if your husband–even though he IS your best friend–sleeps with other women. Before you were married, did the two of you have an “open” relationship–that is, did you know of other women he slept with, and did he know of other men you slept with? I ask because the concept of nonexclusive relationships is far easier to accept than the reality. I know of no couple who has opened the marriage that has come out feeling better about having done so.
Why? Because the sacred pact you agreed to was more than sexual. You do not have the capacity, either of you–trust me on this– to be rational about the other sleeping with someone else. You can be rational now….but not then. It triggers feelings that go to the heart of your sense of yourself, and of your husband–and of your marriage; feelings few people can deal with when they’re suddenly overwhelmed by them. It is unlikely that, awash in primitive feelings of jealousy and terror of replacement, you can greet him at the door and say, “Hi, darling! Did you have fun with Miranda? Great! Want a pizza?”
And what your husband doesn’t know is that you may well join him, just to avoid the feeling of being an uncool drag. And then–this is what usually happens, by the way–hurt and angry, YOU will be the one who becomes attached to someone else. For that someone, new and loving, might want to protect you from just this kind of “adventure” you were forced into.
Yes, I’m The Love Goddess. And as you know from myth, I’ve been around. And that allows me to be even surer about this: Unless you want this just as much as your husband does; unless you have all kinds of stop-gaps put in place; don’t do it. Just say no. You’ll be saving your marriage.
Isn’t this the age-old story of man’s wanting his cake and eating it, too? Isn’t this “need” or “ fantasy”, just a mid-life crisis in disguise? Isn’t it just selfishness and self-centeredness?
I don’t understand why a husband would offer that option to his wife. Where’s the love? What is the point? What good comes from it? What is he thinking?…Maybe that is the point; he’s NOT!!!!!
And I don’t understand why a wife would even consider such an option if her marriage was sacred…it had been based on trust and mutual love. Even if it hadn’t been, why does the husband want to stay married?
Staying committed to an adulterer, no and when he introduces something that challenges the foundation of their union.
If one introduces smoking, drugs, crimes, adultery, promiscuity, unfaithfulness to any kind of relationship, then it is up to the individual to make a decision whether or not she can live true to her heart without feeling she has lost her values and her sense of self-worth. A strong woman would not entertain the idea; she would question the relationship and it’s direction
I don’t think saving the marriage will happen just by rejecting such an offer. There are more root problems here than just a husband’s wanting to fulfill his fantasies and seeking couples therapy is one avenue for discovering what is going on.
I have to agree with you, TLG! I would never agree to that kind of relationship if my husband asked that of me. Aside from the fact that I feel a personal connection with my husband, what if the unforseen happened? What if this little adventure takes a turn I didn’t expect? Like me seeing my husband with someone else and that someone else enjoying it? Hummm….Don’t think it would be so fun anymore. That leads me to my next question….What if she didn’t? What if she didn’t like my husband? I’d feel offended, after all, that’s MY husband!! I have feelings for him.
The bottom line for me is this: I can’t enjoy sex with just anyone. For me, it’s emply. Sex has no meaning without feelings.
Does anyone else have another slant on this?
These are hard economic times.
Traditionally, amorality resided in the upper classes (as an entitlement) and the lower classes (nothing to lose). For the past decade–thanks to the housing bubble–fortunes have skyrocketed. But today –thanks to the bursting of that bubble–captains of industry have been cashiered from their high ranks. Fortunes and their concomitant moralities spinning out of control.
The one control that has been there for those in between–and may the gods forgive me for this suggestion–the former netherworld scavengers of home equities–divorce lawyers.. So, before your husband enters someone else, he must first enter a divorce settlement agreement. There, now everyone has access to prophylactic protection.
How did a Love Goddess get so lucky as to have such smart , thoughtful, wise readers? And guess what, IDubious, I’m taking your idea (that a husband must enter a divorce agreement before entering someone else) straight to the Heavens. Jove will get a kick out of it. Prepare for thunder tonight.