Q: I’m in my late thirties, happily involved with a man I love, and I keep hearing about reaching my “sexual peak”? If not now, when?
A: Ah yes, the sexual peak problem. It’s as if you, sexually active throughout her twenties but not emotionally secure till now, feel you’ve scaled a kind of developmental Mt. Everest–but nothing marks your arrival at the summit. Where are the perfectly simultaneous orgasms? The mini-explosions in some unawakened region of your lower body? The gold star to celebrate your triumphant appearance at the pinnacle of your sexuality?
The thirties are a peak time, yes, but the bombardment of bounties–psychological and physical maturity, readiness for commitment, sex in a socially sanctioned environment–but there are also energy-vampires like, well, life, kids, mortgages (or no mortgage possibilities) waiting to sink their teeth in. It’s like a god’s bad joke: “You’ve got it all! But you’ll be too tired to enjoy it!'”
Before despairing that your sexual potential and satisfaction can’t ever jibe, though, let’s take a look at this idea of a “sexual peak.”
Researchers have discovered that males had their greatest number of orgasms in adolescence and their early twenties, while females had theirs between their mid-twenties and mid-forties. They found, too, that young men’s orgasms are closer together than older men’s. But it’s a numbers game, an orgasm totaling, not anything loftier or deeper. When collecting statistics about a young man, for example, every orgasm he has is counted in–it doesn’t matter whether it occurs as a result of masturbation, nocturnal emission, or intercourse. Does the data include how often he desires sex? No. Whether he had a good time? No. Whether he liked his partner (if he had one)? Whether he learned anything about love? Nope.
So we’re not talking profundity here, nor prowess, nor passion. The word “joy” isn’t in this picture (hell, the word “partner” isn’t even in this picture).The kind of sexual peak you want is a product of connection and closeness; it’s qualitative, not quantitative. It’s got a partner. Let’s rename it, call it an erotic peak, since it’s about how good sex can be at any age.
What’s most relevant to an erotic peak? Confidence. Comfort, in your body and with your partner. A feeling of being in it together (by “it” I mean not only sex but life; the sense of following the same narrative, being in the same story); understanding how powerful your bodies are in the service of your mutual pleasure. Yearning for pleasure. Your partner’s receptivity. As one woman in her mid-thirties told me recently, “You know, Love Goddess, my guy and I both know we have it in us to reach the heights; that we have the goods. It’s all about fine-tuning now; making sure outside variables work in our favor.”