“Okay, Love Goddess,” you say. “My new guy is NOT simply separated from his wife….he’s divorced from her! So you can’t tell me not to go out with him!”
Are you sure that he’s divorced? Or were those papers he says he signed separation papers—meaning his divorce (and those papers) could be a year away?
Just because you remember hearing the word “divo rce” pepper his conversation, ask him outright. Say, “Are you divorced? For how long have you been divorced?” You’d be surprised how many people are so reluctant to admit they’re not yet quite divorced that they don’t even like to say what stage of the process they’re in; while at the same time, interested women are often lax about asking, for fear of seeming prematurely focused on something more permanent than a cup of coffee.
Listen, I know I sound ridiculously cautious to those of you who haven’t tangled with an unready lover. To those who have, though, I sound mild: They would warn you away from a man, even if he IS divorced, who hasn’t been divorced two or three years. They would say, Get thee to a nunnery.
Because the readiness really is all. A man or woman truly able to have a new relationship, has one–not a stuttering, hesitant, fraught kind of coming together, but a warm arrangement that can move forward. It will have its own problems, but not those that involve baleful, sordid incidents involving unhappy ex-wives and lovers—those so-called mean “bitches” who, once you find out the truth of the situation, are no doubt just like you. (Isn’t it amazing how many ex-wives are called “bitches”? Isn’t it amazing how quickly YOU can become that “bitch” too, when in this mess?) Readiness to date again after years of marriage takes a whole lot m ore time than you think– or than he thinks. Never underestimate the ties a man has to his marriage, to his ex-wife (even if he claims to hate her), to his children, to his money—yes, all the money he will have to pay to lawyers and, perhaps, money for alimony and child support.
And if you, too, are coming off of another relationship—or even a marriage—you’re likely to be going through just what this guy is. Which may make for nice conversation but, I promise you, not for cozy, romantic evenings of open-hearted connection.
So, my darlings, give it a year—even more—AFTER his divorce (not his separation!) before taking this, your hoped-for relationship, seriously. You’ll thank me later.
TLG
God of Love’s rule of thumb for dating anyone divorced, male or female:
1 year minimum. Add one full year for each decade of the terminated marriage.
Widowhood: 1 year from spouse’s death. Add one full cup of extra love and kindness.
GOL
Once again, GOL, you bring wisdom and warmth to our galaxy! Your rules are good–I’d add more time, if possible, to the divorced-lover column, and perhaps less to the widowed-lover column, only because widowers, and particularly widowers who had good marriages, are so vulnerable that they tend to enter new relationships quickly…and an interested woman might have to be break the rules a bit here. I’m not of the grab-him-because-he’s-available school of thought, but I’m instinctively more flexible with the newly widowed….I think the topic makes a very good upcoming blog.
TLG