I talk a lot about trusting your instincts, and that goes doubly when you're dating online. When that picture of him pops up–the swimming one, the one in the cute hockey shirt, the one with his buddies at beach volley ball–your instinct may be to say, "That's him. That's the one!"– and e-mails then can cloud the issue and bury your real instincts. Here's what I mean.
When Angela, age 41, “met” Tim online—that is, when he first responded to her profile—she got a fluttery feeling in her stomach that she wasn’t sure was excitement or warning. He liked her photo—could they go out that night? She couldn't. "Why not?" He pressed. "You're beautiful for your age, I'm okay-looking and fit–so hey, if you're not free, why are you online? So Angela, who felt uncomfortable with this line of reasoning, at the same time read his pushiness as healthy male interest– "someone who knew what he wanted," she says–so she continued corresponding with him. he point is, if ever there were a form of introduction that requires you to trust her gut about a guy, it’s meeting in cyberspace. Trusting your (online) gut requires a kind of self-knowledge, though, that's unique to the net, and that was never required in the days when first impressions came to you with a real person attached, one who showed up, one before e-mail. When you meet online, you really have be aware of your emotional history: Have you always been excited by aggressive guys—only to wind up feeling intimidated by them? Have you always rejected less assertive men? Do you like men who "take charge"? And you have to be clear about your wishes: Do you want a mate or just a casual Saturday night of hanging out? If you're not really hip to your own defenses, and not clear about what you're going for online, your search for Mr. Right can end up being an endless chat with Mr. Wrong–with you on the defensive the whole time.
Today's tip is simple: Don’t be bullied. If a man is pushy at the starting gate (Tim, for example, was subtly accusing Angela—already, before he’d met her, yet! —of doing something wrong by not following his sexual timetable), he's going to be pushier later. “Save me from beautiful women who think they’re God’s Gift,” is what Tim said when Angela told him she wasn’t ready for a date yet–throwing Angela on the defensive before she entered the starting gate! How dare he! But instead of saying, "You're absolutely right, I AM God’s gift, and this gift is saying goodbye," she went on the defensive. And kept up the correspondence, apologizing all the way.
Another woman tells of a guy who kept claiming she was being “rude” to him by not answering his e-mails within an hour or two. “Didn’t anyone ever teach you it’s bad manners not to reply?" he wrote. (They had exchanged messages for the first time that day.) What he presented as her breach of etiquette was simple hostility on his part. Subtle bullying is still bullying.
You know that, of course, but sometimes you may feel caught between wanting to give the guy a chance; wanting, too, to feel good about this man you've at least made a connection with. You comply—strong woman that you usually are — thinking the weirdness between you is part of the weirdness of the net, or that you'll calm him down when you meet; or that once he knows who you really are, he won’t be so aggressive; that he’ll trust you; that he’ll back off.
No, he won’t. A bully keeps bullying until he’s stopped. And he or she isn't stopped until you don't react on his or her terms. Angela said goodbye at that second online interaction. “The thing about 'looking good for my age' got to me even before his pushiness did, and I didn't say anything about either. I’ve finally learned to resist my urge to tame beasts by proving what a great, understanding gal I am. I’m no longer applying for the job of zookeeper.”
And you aren't either.
–TLG