Comments on: Can This Love Affair Be Saved?

By: the love goddess

the love goddess — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 17:55:16 +0000

Dear OWW,
By being as considerate of his desire as you want him to be of yours. Granted, you’re under severe stress, and “desire” may not be the applicable word for what you’re feeling. But if you have told him that you feel somewhat deadened by grief, and he understands, then perhaps the only way to be authentic is to use other loving ways besides sex to communicate your consideration. Words are nice–“I wwant to thank you for undertanding what I’m going through….I’m not sure another man would be so generous.” If he knows you know he’s waiting patiently for you, and that you appreciate him for his patience, he will be less likely to press you. And if you go out of your way to do other things–besides sex–that make him happy (and those are things I can’t specify because I don’t know him), he’ll see that it’s not him you’re rejecting; that you’re trying to come back to life.
Also, tell him you love him! Sometimes words are magical….and saying them even when they don’t spring up spontaneously is a far cry, in terms of inauthenticity, from trying to feel sexual.
TLG

By: One Who Watches

One Who Watches — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 22:00:31 +0000

Whew! Thank you, LoveGoddess. Now a related question. My spouse is entirely understanding, and never places any pressure on me for sex, but what is the best way for me to be considerate of and fair to him?

OWW

By: the love goddess

the love goddess — Fri, 29 Aug 2008 21:30:15 +0000

To One Who Watches,
In my world, grief is given a lot of time–eons, in fact–and no one, not even the most demanding of the gods, expects desire to return until the overwhelming sadness and debilitating exhaustion of caregiving wane somewhat. You mortals are tough on those who are grieving, expecting them to pop back up in, what, a year? Two? Not possible! A broken leg may heal that fast, maybe, but not a broken heart. You’ve just given every ounce to nurturance, you can’t give what isn’t there.
Give yourself time. I won’t outline the stages of grief to you, as you surely know them (the anger you say you’re feeling is always part of mourning), but they’re not orderly and they’re not predictable and they take…here I go again…time; more time than humans give it. So do one thing for me: Don’t think about love. Be kind but authentic. When the pressure is off you, really off you, then, when you least expect it, a glimmering of want, of need, of desire will appear once more.
–The Love Goddess

By: One Who Watches

One Who Watches — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 06:12:52 +0000

I’ve been married to my husband for 24 years and with him for 30. For the last 12 years I have been actively involved in caregiving for my late father and mother, who lived with us from about the time my father was diagnosed with terminal heart disease.

The caregiving ended earlier this summer, and I’d hoped that my sexual desire for my husband would re-surface from beneath the seemingly impenetrable exhaustion I had experiened for so many years. (Round the clock caregiving can really take it out of you.)

But … it hasn’t yet. I still don’t feel any desire for sex, or even really affection, even though I am more rested and beginning to recover from the grief I felt at the loss of my mother in June.

I appreciate all that you wrote, and I will think about my feelings, as you suggested.

Many thanks.